The Colonel T Show

Last time on The Colonel T Show, I joined Facebook.

Did you join me there? If so, you’ve enjoyed three solid months of frivolous status updates and photos of many of my children. Tonight, for no reason, I asked myself: “Why did I embrace Facebook and abandon my blog?” I’ve arrived at two possibilities:

1. Facebook friends have no choice but to read my updates. A captive audience in every sense of the word.
2. Posting status updates limited to 200 characters or less is fast and requires virtually no effort. That describes my general approach to life, so it suits me.
3. Picture posting is ridiculously easy.

For a time, I engaged my old pal, fellow blogger and television superstar Scott Sabol, in a friend count battle. That was fun for a few days, but due to his irresistable charm and outstanding grammar, he has now eclipsed me by a factor of 5. Kudos to him. Really. I mean it.

So I’m hooked on Facebook. I’m not ashamed. It’s pretty great. Nevertheless, The Colonel T Show (and Colonel T.com, and Colonel T vs. The World Crime League before it) is my first, best home, and it deserves better than to languish without an update for three months. So I apologize, not only to my readers (who really should be following me on Facebook) but to my dear friend, this website, whom I left all alone for three months on the cold, dark, Internet.

So, to that effect, this week I’m going to tell you about my new podcast, my upcoming children’s album, and the upcoming April 20-ish birth of my son.

I can not stress enough the glory of my new blogging software, WordPress. Every passing hour, I discover a new and wonderful feature. Some of these, like the Sidebar Widgets I’ll soon be implementing, simplify complex formatting to an absurd level. Other features are more subtle, such as “Drafts,” which stores half-completed or unpublished entries.

Apparently I had seven unfinished posts stored in Movable Type, dating all the way back to October 2006. Movable Type hid these from me like a snotty child. But WordPress, sweet WordPress, has a shiny “Drafts” button, which allowed me to quickly identify and reclaim these abandoned entries.

I have no intention of completing them, but I thought it might be fun to post them “as-is”; unedited, unfunny, and unfinished. I’ll post four today and three tomorrow, each with the title, abandonment date, and a brief introductory remark. Think of it as… The Colonel T Show that might have been. (I’m a loser.)

I’ve Got Your Rapid Reward Right Here (abandoned 10/26/2006)

This is the fabled “Southwest Airlines” story — if I recall correctly, I was too drained by the experience to complete the post. This is as far as I got:

First, a shout-out to my wife’s family, several members of which revealed to me in Kansas City that they read “The Colonel T Show” on a regular basis. I had no idea, and I’m honored! Thanks for a fantastic wedding and reception last weekend.

Speaking of my readership, I don’t know if any Southwest Airlines employees frequent this blog, but if you do, I’ve got a little message for you:

You, and your airline, are dead to me. Dead like George C. Scott. Dead like Audrey Hepburn. Dead like Ulysses S. Freaking Grant.

Before I tell you the tale (to amuse your captain) let me give you a little background. I’ve despised Southwest Airlines for years now, ever since I flew them regularly for my last job. Instead of a having an assigned seat, Southwest gives you a boarding pass marked with an “A”, “B”, or “C”. The “A” group boards before the “B” group which boards before the “C” group. Once on board, you sit wherever you want. Obviously, the “C” group is usually stuck with the dreaded middle seat. So not only do you have to arrive at the airport early anyway to get through the new security procedures, but you have to arrive EXTRA early to get an “A” card. As a nearly 6′5″ guy for whom aisle seats are critical, it adds an additional layer of stress to my travel plans. To be fair, online registration as alleviated much of that stress, but I still find the whole process insulting…to have to line up like cattle just to get a good seat.

And if you’re traveling in a group, well heck, you’ve got to arrive even earlier, because Southwest’s procedures make it that much harder to get seats together.

But before we get to the flights themselves, let’s take a minute to reflect on the wizardry of the TSA – Terminal Security Assistants – who are responsible for ensuring your safety by confiscating your hand creme and toothpaste. At Chicago Midway, they’ve added a “pre-security” area where you can turn in questionable liquids and gels. We were smart and brought powdered formula, intending to buy bottled water once we made it through security. Elizabeth somehow forgot to remove the diaper creme and a $20 bottle of hand lotion and she had to give them up. Did you sleep more soundly last Friday night? Now you know why.

Based on our research, we were led to believe that baby food (squash, peas, carrots, etc.) was exempt from the the gels/liquid rule as long as they were in the original packaging and that those packages weren’t egregiously large. We asked the “pre-security” wizard (let’s call her Betty) to confirm this for us. Her response was “Errrrr” and “Hey Gary, is this stuff okay?” Gary looked at her as if he’d never seen baby food before. Apparently we were the first parents that had come through security in two months. That’s the kind of fortune Elizabeth and I are renowned for.

After a few more minutes of Errrrrs and Ummmms, Betty let us through to the tune of a confidence inspiring “You should be okay, go ahead.”

Well, we weren’t okay.

At the main security gate, after a stressful ten minute gauntlet where we had to disassemble our stroller and car seats with one hand (Elizabeth and I had each had a baby in one arm, so this was staggeringly challenging), the security attendant (let’s call this one Clara) told me she had to unpack the entire contents of my backpack because the x-ray scan revealed potentially hazardous substances (AKA baby squash, peas, and carrots). So she unpacked everything, and asked me why I didn’t get this checked at “pre-security”. I told her I had, but that Betty said I was cool. Clara said Betty should have marked my boarding pass with the [I STOPPED HERE]

NOW I remember why I stopped writing this. What you just read represented 3% of the total story. It was shaping up to be a small book. A small, really boring book.

Execution on Demand (abandoned 12/30/2006)

If memory serves, this was going to be a pseudo-serious post about the Youtube’ing of Saddam Hussein’s execution. The pressure of writing something intellectual was too much for me, and I gave up before the end of the first paragraph.

In 1994, NBC aired a television movie called Witness to the Execution, which told a cautionary tale about a television network hoping to draw big ratings by airing the first live execution of a death row criminal. I don’t remember much about the movie itself (as generally happens with any Tim Daly project I watch) but I do remember the debates we had in my college media classes. At the time, in that Jerry Springer world, the idea of a televised execution was not quite science fiction [I STOPPED HERE]

Will Shatner Play Kirk Again? (abandoned 1/10/2007)

Turns out the answer to that question is “no.” This post speculates on that fantastic possibility…so fantastic that I quit writing halfway through.

According to this interview at IGN, it’s a distinct possibility. And it looks like Leonard Nimoy may reprise Spock as well.

The details are pretty sparse and incredibly vague, but it seems J.J. Abrams wants to incorporate my heroes into Star Trek 11, which is probably the best way to regain the trust and allegiance of fans who (like me) have become disenchanted with the franchise.

Will the actors participate? Shatner will star in anything, so that’s not anything we have to worry about. Nimoy, on the other hand, is officially retired from acting, and remember he bowed out of “Star Trek Generations” because his role wasn’t substantive.

If the rumors are true and the film is indeed about “young Kirk and Spock” the most obvious use of Shatner and Nimoy would be in some sort of framing device…the two friends sitting in rocking chairs, sipping on Romulan ale, talking about the good old days. I’d be pretty disappointed with that though…and there are all sorts of continuity issues — the biggest one being that Kirk [I STOPPED HERE.]

The Places We’ve Lived (abandoned 3/30/2007)

I’d still like to finish this someday — a travelogue of the seven places Elizabeth have lived in our eleven years of marriage. Years from now, I think it’ll be a lovely document for our children to completely ignore.

I have lived in more places than you.

Perhaps not geographically, but in terms of raw number of physical structures, I, along with my lovely ladyfriend, have you beat. Since we were married in November of 1997, we’ve moved seven times, with move number eight coming up at the end of the month.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane and revisit these old apartments and homes, probably more for my benefit than yours.

Residence 1: An Apartment in Canal Fulton, OH.
Also Known As: Sinville, Fleatown. [I STOPPED HERE]

Tomorrow: Part II — The final three abandoned posts.

…You can breathe for the first time. How’s it feel?

Some quick hits on what’s been happening the last few months:

• David Hasselhoff, shirtless and drunk, ate a hamburger off the floor. A heartbreaking sight, to be certain, but what struck me most was this: Is that not the least appetizing hamburger you’ve ever seen? Is that what Wendy’s is trying to pass off as a burger these days? It’s all floppy and moist-looking. Dave Thomas died and the whole company went to pieces. You’d have to be drunk to stomach one of those things.

• Hey America, thanks a lot for ruining David Hasselhoff jokes. For years –YEARS — Hasselhoff mockery was my dominion solely. Now, even toddlers are all “The Hoff” this and “The Hoff” that. He belongs to mainstream pop culture now, and that’s no fun for me. Sure, I can craft a great Dirk Benedict barb, but it’s nowhere near as effective.

• Bob Barker ended his 35-year run as host of The Price is Right. I had the special opportunity to watch his last show with my mom, who introduced me to the show as a baby causing my first words to be “Bob Barker”. Bob gave a classy sendoff, offering a regular show with only some brief farewell remarks at the end. I was disappointed at the pricing game selection, however; indeed one of them amounted to “Guess Which of These Two Prices Is Correct.” Lame! Bob’s last show, and they pick that over “Cliff Hangers” or “Clock Game” or — for heaven’s sake — “Hole in One (or Two)”?

• As of April 1st, we are officially homeowners. Our neighbors are, on one side, two ex-Navy officers, and on the other side, a family where the husband is restoring a car in his garage. Bam, right there, I’m the least manly guy by about 800%. (Not helping matters was the electric lawnmower we bought just after moving in. We used it twice and I returned it; doesn’t that count for something? Good lord, have I taken flack for that purchase.)

  The car restorer is a very friendly guy, and I met him the day after we moved in. I could tell he very badly wanted me to be a car guy, and I hated to disappoint him. Within minutes he was talking about the Corvette (or Camaro? Dunno.) he’s working on. The conversation went something like this:

  NEIGHBOR: So weekends you’ll probably see me working on my baby — That’s a ‘72 Corvette in the garage. Right now I’m getting the torque ratios tweaked; you know the ’72’s engine block was a different form factor than the ‘73 — you wouldn’t think it’d affect the axle differential, but geez, it’s a real bear.

  ME (pointing at the Corvette): Red car.

  NEIGHBOR: Huh? Yeah, she’s a beaut. Not the original paint, obviously. ‘Bout a year ago I applied a clearcoat to replace that orange peel effect. A lot a people think that only happened to the early nineties models, but I’ll tell you, I had to do a full sanding, compounding, and polishing to get her looking the way she does now. Still not quite done, but we’ll get her there.

  ME: Uh. Say, are those the original headlights?

  And it went downhill from there. Sure, I could have told the guy the extent of my car biography; that I named my Mustang after a game show host and that I actually think it’s alive, but it was only my second day in the neighborhood — why set myself up as the “weird guy” so soon? Plenty of time for that.

• PantsQuest! ended. Since a PantsQuest! article was at the top of this page for three months, I suppose I should tell you the results. Elizabeth did indeed donate my special khaki pants to Goodwill, which completely shattered my inspiration, sending me on three-month diet of cupcakes and saki. HOWEVER, when we did the final weigh-out last month, my weight dropped from 227 to 219, a loss of eight pounds. Not sure how that happened, given I don’t look any thinner, and my pants don’t fit any better — if anything they fit worse.

• Sabs, of Evening with Sabs, is having another baby. This one will be a girl. Congratulations to him, his wife, and their son Nathan, who I had the pleasure of finally meeting when I was in Ohio last month. Nathan and either Madeline or Molly kissed goodbye at the end of that meeting, and it freaked me out a little bit. I’m sure Sabs was all “Oh, yeah, Nathan!” but just you wait until you have a girl, mister. Overprotection ahoy! (PS – I predict the genders of Sabs’ next three children will be “Boy, Girl, Boy” in that order.)

• I still love tequila and tequila-based drinks. No change there, for those of you concerned.

• Summer Movie Roundup. Spider-Man 3: Horrible. Transformers: Awesome. Still haven’t seen Fantastic Four 2: Return of Fantastic Four.

• If you actually still check this blog periodically, I thank you.

My thanks to Elizabeth, who pointed out that the last letter of some lines in this blog is getting cut off in Internet Explorer. It looks fine in Firefox, which is what I compose and browse in. Back in the day, I was the king of IE / Netscape format-checking tenaciousness, and I guess I need to pick up my scepter and get back on the throne. I’ll be working on it over the long weekend, during the breaks from cooking turkey-kabobs.

We’re less than four weeks out from parenthood. Elizabeth hits 33 weeks on Thursday, and twins are considered “full term” at 36. At that point, they’ll stick a needle in her belly, sample the amniotic fluid, and from that determine if the girls’ lungs are developed. If the answer is yes, then they’ll be pushed out or extracted within 24 hours. Bam. Parenthood.

Hmmm. How to spend my last four weeks of “freedom”?

Well, I’ve got two more episodes of The Colonel T Show planned before the wee ladies enter our world. The first is a regular show: “Episode 4: Flippin’ and Tippin’” and is a somewhat experimental solo effort which will either entertain and delight or suck tremendously. I’m also working on the first “Colonel T Show Special Edition”, the subject of which I’m keeping under wraps because I’m almost certain it’s never been done before on the Internet. It could be very exciting and profitable.

(And yes, I do get the sad irony of having a “Special Edition” when the show comes out so infrequently. I’m ashamed.)

I’m going to make a serious effort to post something every day from now until the births. Someday when I’m dead my daughters will read this blog and I want them to be impressed with my incredible work ethic, even when hurtling toward the greatest challenge of my life. They’ll certainly be interested to know what I was feeling during this period, even though it hasn’t changed much since August: 95% excitement, 5% terror beyond imagination.

Finally, on a totally unrelated note, congratulations to the Geoffman (whose birthday was yesterday), to whom I owe $7. He correctly predicted I wouldn’t sit on a jury (I had Jury Duty on Monday) and that I’d be sent home without serving. Sure enough, after 3 hours of sitting on plush red couches and watching HGTV on 15 overhead televisions, we were all sent home. Hey, it was a paid day off, and I got in some good reading. Free coffee and doughnuts, too. So congratulations, Grandpa Geoffman, your $7 will be waiting for you when you arrive.

Earlier I encouraged you to click the “Next Blog” button and experience random blogs from across the globe. I’d like to retract that invitation because I started clicking it and now I can’t seem to stop. It’s fascinating what people are putting out there.

(And forgive me if this is old hat to some of you, but I’ve only been blogging slightly over a day. For me this is like Columbus discovering America. I’m Columbus, and all the other blogs are the Native Americans that were here long before I arrived. The difference is that these blogs won’t be kicked off the Internet and forced to open casinos.)

Who’s writing all these blogs? As expected, there are lots of pretentious college students, and plenty of teenage, angst-ridden “victims”. Add to them endless waves of political zealots, church groups, bands, small businesses, multi-level marketers, porn stars, stewardesses, stock brokers — the list goes on forever.

But so far, I’ve only read one blog written by an infant. It’s sickeningly cute, but it’s totally something I’d do if I ever got around to buying a digital camera. And a child. (Well, I wouldn’t buy the child, but if I change my mind I hear China’s the place to go. Vile.)

Don’t worry, the novelty of this whole thing will wear off soon enough, and we’ll finally get down to the business of exposing my deepest, darkest, most personal thoughts.

Wheeeeeee. Betcha can’t wait.

Just a quick FYI – In the upper-right hand corner of this page you’ll find a “Next Blog” button. While I hoped I would use this to meet my permanent neighbor blog, it appears to just randomly select any blog from the Blogger universe.

So I just clicked it, and discovered the Psychic & Mediums Network. If you choose to visit, make sure you notice the date: Wednesday, January 18, 2006. It’s a web page from the future. They really are powerful, those psychics and mediums.

And so it begins again, for the first time, once more.

Colonel T.com (known in some circles as “America’s Website”) disappeared from the Internet approximately 15 months ago. The media coverage, as you’ll recall, was constant and relentless, overshadowed only by the B’Affleck/Selena breakup and the return of John Larroquette to prime time network television.

Were the pressures of helming the website that forever changed the course of the Internet too much for me? No, actually I handled the stress quite well. In reality, I got bored. Lazy, even. But now, as the winter months approach, I find myself growing wistful….sentimental, even, for those days when I drove the biggest rig on the Information Superhighway.

So I’m going to start out easy, partnered with the good people at Blogger who will handle all the technical stuff. All I have to do is write, and click a shiny orange “Publish” button. Simple, really.

For those of you I’ve been out of touch with, I offer a life update:

1. Politics: With 14 days remaining until the presidential election, I’m back to officially being undecided. Make no bones about it, I am firmly, staunchly, unwaveringly, undecided. My original plan, to go with whichever guy likes stem-cell research more, has been undermined by the fact that John Kerry (who for the new people is the guy who likes stem-cell research more) managed to make me wildly wary of him over the course of three debates. I’ll keep you updated, but the Shatner write-in vote is looking better and better. Besides, I’m in Illinois, and we were for Kerry even before he won the nomination.

2. Marriage: My ladyfriend, the lovely Elizabeth, and I will be celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary next month. Seven years! According to this I’m supposed to give her wool/copper. No idea if that slash is supposed to be an “and” or an “or”. As such, come November 29th Elizabeth will be receiving a sheep hopped up on Centrum tablets.
3. Geography: We are still living in Geneva, Illinois, which is way, way, west of Chicago. We are, in fact, the last stop on the East-West Metra. We welcome all visitors.
4. Narcissism: I’m officially done (DONE) with Great Clips. Never again will I spend 12 dollars so l’il Britanny can work out her teen angst on my locks. I’m going to a salon next time, and getting the whole unruly mop reworked. However, I will ask the salon attendant to please welcome me with a detached and monotone “Hi, welcome to Great Clips” because I’m sentimental, blast it.
5. Technology: Someone somewhere loves me dearly. My new laptop is a sexy beast, and I’ve got the good people at the place I work to thank for it. Thank you, people at the place I work!

So. That catches you up, and gives some idea of where we’re going. I hope you’ll join me on this new adventure.

Oh! Notice that there’s a “Comments” thingie at the bottom of each post. Please try it out, and tell me how you think this new gig is going. Big love to y’all.