The Colonel T Show

Last time on The Colonel T Show, I joined Facebook.

Did you join me there? If so, you’ve enjoyed three solid months of frivolous status updates and photos of many of my children. Tonight, for no reason, I asked myself: “Why did I embrace Facebook and abandon my blog?” I’ve arrived at two possibilities:

1. Facebook friends have no choice but to read my updates. A captive audience in every sense of the word.
2. Posting status updates limited to 200 characters or less is fast and requires virtually no effort. That describes my general approach to life, so it suits me.
3. Picture posting is ridiculously easy.

For a time, I engaged my old pal, fellow blogger and television superstar Scott Sabol, in a friend count battle. That was fun for a few days, but due to his irresistable charm and outstanding grammar, he has now eclipsed me by a factor of 5. Kudos to him. Really. I mean it.

So I’m hooked on Facebook. I’m not ashamed. It’s pretty great. Nevertheless, The Colonel T Show (and Colonel T.com, and Colonel T vs. The World Crime League before it) is my first, best home, and it deserves better than to languish without an update for three months. So I apologize, not only to my readers (who really should be following me on Facebook) but to my dear friend, this website, whom I left all alone for three months on the cold, dark, Internet.

So, to that effect, this week I’m going to tell you about my new podcast, my upcoming children’s album, and the upcoming April 20-ish birth of my son.

This is a written transcript of the podcast my beard recorded while I was sleeping. Many listeners enjoy performing my beard’s podcasts for their family and friends, in the comfort of their home, office, or place of worship.

Approximate running time (for North American English speakers): 3m46s.
Approximate running time (for European English speakers): 3m51s.
Approximate running time (for all other speakers): 4m02s.

“Hello and welcome to The Podcast My Beard Recorded While I Was Sleeping for April 17, 2008.

I enjoy Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. It airs at 10:00 PM Tuesday evenings on the NBC television network. In my home, however, we call it Law and Order: Sexy Force.

In related NBC television news, network executives announced that February’s highly rated Knight Rider movie will return as a weekly television series this fall. Let’s revisit a key moment from that movie, the long-awaited meeting between Michael Knight, as portrayed by David Hasselhoff, and his character’s son, Mike Traceur, as portrayed by…by…by… as portrayed in the movie.

For this reenactment, I will be performing both characters. Here is the voice I’ll be using for Michael Knight:

‘I’m Michael Knight.’

And here’s my voice for Mike Traceur:

‘Hello, I’m Mike Traceur.’

And now, the scene:

‘I’m Michael Knight. I’m your father.’

‘I know.’

‘One man can make a difference.’

‘I see.’

‘Gotta go.’

And scene. Knight Rider, the series, premieres this fall on NBC.

Breaking news now – two people are critically injured after an elephant trips and falls on them. We have team coverage, starting with my soul patch. Soul patch, tell us, where did this elephant come from, and how did it trip?

Soul patch?

Soul patch?

Some technical problems, we’ll see if we can get my soul patch on the line. No? No, it seems we’ve lost him.

That’ll do it for this week’s podcast. I’d like to thank the NBC television network, and the zoo. Good night, everybody.”

For a written transcript of this transcript, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope.

We’re less than four weeks out from parenthood. Elizabeth hits 33 weeks on Thursday, and twins are considered “full term” at 36. At that point, they’ll stick a needle in her belly, sample the amniotic fluid, and from that determine if the girls’ lungs are developed. If the answer is yes, then they’ll be pushed out or extracted within 24 hours. Bam. Parenthood.

Hmmm. How to spend my last four weeks of “freedom”?

Well, I’ve got two more episodes of The Colonel T Show planned before the wee ladies enter our world. The first is a regular show: “Episode 4: Flippin’ and Tippin’” and is a somewhat experimental solo effort which will either entertain and delight or suck tremendously. I’m also working on the first “Colonel T Show Special Edition”, the subject of which I’m keeping under wraps because I’m almost certain it’s never been done before on the Internet. It could be very exciting and profitable.

(And yes, I do get the sad irony of having a “Special Edition” when the show comes out so infrequently. I’m ashamed.)

I’m going to make a serious effort to post something every day from now until the births. Someday when I’m dead my daughters will read this blog and I want them to be impressed with my incredible work ethic, even when hurtling toward the greatest challenge of my life. They’ll certainly be interested to know what I was feeling during this period, even though it hasn’t changed much since August: 95% excitement, 5% terror beyond imagination.

Finally, on a totally unrelated note, congratulations to the Geoffman (whose birthday was yesterday), to whom I owe $7. He correctly predicted I wouldn’t sit on a jury (I had Jury Duty on Monday) and that I’d be sent home without serving. Sure enough, after 3 hours of sitting on plush red couches and watching HGTV on 15 overhead televisions, we were all sent home. Hey, it was a paid day off, and I got in some good reading. Free coffee and doughnuts, too. So congratulations, Grandpa Geoffman, your $7 will be waiting for you when you arrive.

Here is the official press release, which I had drafted last night and approved this morning. Much of the content was lifted from this morning’s live press conference, which was covered simultaneously on the Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS This Morning.

NEWS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: Colonel T (coloneltshow@gmail.com)

COLONEL T ENTERTAINMENT, INC. ANNOUNCES THE RETURN OF “THE COLONEL T SHOW.”

Colonel T Entertainment, Inc., announced Thursday they have begun development on “The Colonel T Show,” a weekly half-hour Internet podcast set to premiere in mid-late October 2005.

In a live news conference, Colonel T, CEO of Colonel T Entertainment, addressed the media:

“It’s been five years since Colonel T has been HEARD on the airwaves, and that was five years too long. The world is a mess, and I’m here to clean it up. With the podcast explosion, we now have the perfect venue to bring back one of Earth’s most beloved shows.

“Sure, some of our more recent ventures have been less than successful — I’ll be the first one to admit that ‘Soul Train: The Next Generation’ was a fool’s folly — but the Colonel T brand is a proven and unstoppable entertainment juggernaut, and we have every confidence that our new podcast will continue in that superior tradition.

“Are you cool and popular and good looking? Then this show is for you! Are you an awkward, lonely, unattractive dork? Then this show is for YOU. Repulsed by sex and violence? Tune in! Turned on by sex and violence? Tune in! Gay? Straight? Genderless? TUNE IN! Happy? Sad? Ambivalent? TUNE IN! Blind? TUNE IN! Deaf? Definitely TUNE IN!

“As to the format, the show will be 50% interviews, in the proud tradition of Tom Snyder and Bob Costas, and 50% uproarious freeform comedy and commentary in the Colonel T style and flava that the world has come to know and love.”

In addition, Colonel T’s current internet venture, the popular blog “Colonel T vs. The World Crime League” will transfer to a new domain (http://www.colonelt.com/) and receive a new name (“Colonel T.com”) along with a fresh coat of cyberpaint. “The Colonel T Show” will be downloadable there, and also be distributed through Apple’s iTunes service.

The original “The Colonel T. Show” aired on Southwest Ohio radio stations from 1992-1996. A live Internet chat show aired in 2000. Pre-recorded audio segments were provided on Colonel T.com during its original run from 1996-2003.

Colonel T also co-hosted the popular cable sports simulation show “Browns Simulated Season” from 2000-2003. “Colonel T. vs. The World Crime League” has entranced bloglovers since October 2004.

Colonel T (real name: Colonel T) is also an accomplished musician, singer, dancer, and watercolor painter. He can also be heard as a guest on the popular Columbus, OH based podcast A Shanty No Lemon. He has three beautiful wives and fifteen children on six continents.

For more information, email coloneltshow@gmail.com, or visit “Colonel T vs. The World Crime League” at http://colonelt.blogspot.com.

###

As promised, my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT is now out there for all the world to hear. I gave Anthony and the whole gang at A Shanty No Lemon exclusive rights for 24 hours, so head on over there and listen to Part 1 of the 9/14/2005 show if you can’t wait until I post the press release here tomorrow.

(Note that A Shanty No Lemon features strong adult content, except from me, because I’m hardly an adult. You can also just read the posted show notes — it’s the one wholesome thing right beneath the “Eight is Enough” references — but I do believe that’s cheating.)

For the rest of you, the official press release and ancillary materials will be posted here tomorrow. Until then, keep the go going!

I did about 20 minutes on last night’s A Shanty No Lemon and I think it’s my best appearance yet. Unfortunately, the sound quality seems to be borked. (Just my part…the rest of the show sounds excellent.) Since they are in Columbus and I’m in Chicago, I’m using Skype, and it maxes out the performance on my crappy (and hopefully temporary) laptop, so I blame myself. (Although last week’s appearance sounded great, so who knows….) Anyway, I encourage you to download the following for a tale of, well, I’ll let you experience that for yourself. FYI – my best line gets cut off. The word you’re not hearing is “mythology.”

Colonel T on the 8.24.2005 A Shanty No Lemon (MP3 File)

“Jason2002″ from Roanoke, VA writes:

Colonel! What’s up? I’m glad to see you are writing again although I think you are crazy to play poker the whole thing is just a scam. I listened to that podcast you are on and you were good but I wonder if you are going to bring back your show now that podcasting is easier. I’ve got an Ipod now it would be cool to take you on the road! Anyway keep doing your thing and I’ll talk to you.

j

Thanks Jason, for the kind words. The “comma” key is right next to the “M” on your keyboard. As for getting into podcasting, yes, I’m thinking about it (it’s been five years — FIVE YEARS! — since my last “Colonel T Show”) and when I make a decision you’ll be the first to hear about it. There are thousands of podcasts out there, and while I’ve only sampled a handful, I’ve pretty much nailed down what makes for a good one:

1) Multiple hosts
2) Minimal length (15 minutes, max, with some exceptions)
3) Prepared topics

Oh! And speak slowly, loudly, and clearly. My dad taught me that and it has served me well in life. Anyway, when I do get into podcasting (and hopefully that’ll be sooner rather than later) I’ll be following that numbered list quite carefully. I’m thinking Bob Costas would make an excellent co-host. If I can’t get him, then I don’t know what I’ll do.

But I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I’m probably not going to write a lengthy review of Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith, but I did appear on the podcast A Shanty No Lemon to talk about it and other goings-on in science fiction. While I recommend the entire show, if you’re just looking for a little Colonel action I’m on the part 3 of the 6/16 show, at the 15:47 mark.

Be aware that A Shanty No Lemon generally contains extreme (like, seriously extreme) adult content, although my segment is about as hardcore as an episode of Blue’s Clues.