The Colonel T Show

Hey! Haitian Guy! Guess what? I’m pretending to ally myself with The Company so I can learn Sylar’s secret weakness and kill him!

It’s going to be hard though. Really hard. Sylar’s invincible! And he can crush my windpipe with just a thought. It may take a long, long time. And I’ll have to pretend to be his pal, and maybe even do some really bad things. But it’ll be worth it in the end.

What do you think, Haitian Guy? Here we are, watching Sylar through this glass window, standing no more than five feet away from him. Can you think of any way to defeat him? Any way to break through his invincibility? Anything? Anything at all? No? That’s okay. Like I said, it’s going to be hard.

Oh, what was your power again, Haitian Guy?

In which this blogger spews words and ideas onto the computer screen with casual abandon and minimal editing.

Where Have I Been for the Last Month? Super Target.

The Big News: The deal is basically locked down at this point, so I don’t think I’ll be jinxing anything…Elizabeth and I bought a house in St. Charles, IL. We close on March 23rd. I’m hoping to find out what “closing” means prior to that. Our realtor implied we will sit around a table with the current owners, our realtors, and our lawyers and do…something. Play a board game, maybe? Winner takes the house? I really don’t know. If we do play a board game, I hope it’s Sorry.

The purchase of a home completes our year-long “adulthood initiative,” which kicked off last April with the birth of our daughters. Elizabeth and I have been married for over nine years. We spent the first eight years goofing off and being irresponsible in every conceivable way. But now, I think we’ve caught up with the rest of our peer group and we’re ready for the long, slow decline into old age and death.

Too morbid? Well, what else is there to do? More wives? More kids? More investing? More homes? It’s all more of the same. We’ve checked off all the boxes on the adulthood checklist. Short of a hairpiece fitting and a colonoscopy, I’m pretty much done.

Babies Have Wicked Skills: On Wednesday, Molly and Maddy will turn 11 months old. They’ve become fascinating. Molly finally started crawling last week after months of relying on a military gait. Personally I think she’s been able to crawl for a while now and finally started feeling sorry for us. Our looks of pity must have affected her.

Now that they both can crawl, the house is a deathtrap. We’re trying to avoid baby-proofing since we’re moving next month, so parenting has become a perpetual suicide watch. I miss the days when we could throw them on the giant ottoman and just leave them there.

This past weekend Elizabeth taught Madeline how to throw her arms up into the air and yell “ta-da” — although Madeline usually just gets out “aaaaaah”. Regardless, it’s very cute. Molly is working on the refrain of “Old McDonald;” her “e-i-e-i-o” is coming along nicely.

Both girls are pulling themselves into a standing position. It’s the first thing they do when we put them in their cribs, at which point they…interact…and I’m sorry I can’t be more specific than “interact” but we’re not entirely sure what it is that they are doing. Sometimes they giggle, sometimes they babble, sometimes they stare. Frankly, it’s making me paranoid.

On Saturday, we took the girls to a free 45-minute Gymboree class. Gymboree is essentially a heavily padded facility filled with things to climb in, bounce on, crawl over, and fall off. We wanted to expose the girls to other babies and introduce them to the worlds of social interaction and communicable diseases.

The class began by having all the parents and babies sit in a circle, introduce themselves, and share their baby’s most recent accomplishments. As I tend to do in these situations, I fumbled the introduction and immediately alienated myself from the group. Of course I couldn’t just say “Hi, I’m Tim, and this is Molly, and she just started crawling.” but instead I had to incorporate bad comedy and a pretentious vocabulary. I always know when I’ve screwed up because Elizabeth overcompensates with a fake laugh to let everyone know I was only kidding and should not be taken seriously. Story of my life.

Putting all that aside, what did we learn from the Gymboree class? Our instincts were correct; Molly and Maddy were, at first, completely freaked out by all the other people. They were very reluctant to do ANYTHING or stray far from us. However, at about 10 minutes remaining in the class, perhaps loosened up by the “let’s all get under a parachute” exercise, Madeline made a beeline toward a kid named Jack, ripped his pacifier from his mouth, and put it in her mouth. Molly, feeling similarly brave, pried a plastic ball out of a baby girl’s hands, prompting this little girl to break down into hysterics.

What can we learn from this? My daughters are thieves. That, and we’ve always suspected that Molly and Maddy view the other as an extension of themselves. What belongs to one belongs to the other, without boundaries or limitations. They will grab each other’s pacifiers without even thinking about it, and it doesn’t phase them in the slightest. Once the shock of the Gymboree setting wore off, they naturally extended that behavior to ALL babies, and so now we need to introduce them to the concept of “personal space.”

After all, they have spent maybe a total of eight hours apart since they were born. You can’t blame ‘em.

Speaking of Babies, A Couple Pictures:

Maddy

Molly

Everything You Need to Know About the Wii: Elizabeth’s family invaded visited over President’s Day weekend and I lost the use of my bed. So I had the rare and pleasant opportunity to spend a three-day weekend with my parents. Of course, I brought the Wii, and something extraordinary happened.

For the first time in my entire life, I played a video game with my Mom.

The game was Wii Bowling, and there are absolutely no words to describe how our game ended. Instead, I’ll let this picture tell the story:

Yes, you’re seeing that correctly.

My Mom Beat Me At Nintendo.

I’m almost certain I’ve never seen her 1) So insanely competitive and 2) So deliriously happy. I couldn’t believe it.

So, say whatever you will about Nintendo’s strategy this console generation. In my book, they’ve won a decisive victory.

By the way, I should point out that we did have a rematch, and while my Mom added 20 points to her score, I defeated her handily in the second game. And we both obliterated my dad, who can’t seem to break 100. He claims it’s because he’s too seasoned at REAL bowling, but I know it’s just because he was intimidated by my mother’s MAD NINTENDO SKILLZ.

Way to go, mum.

In-Depth Oscars Analysis: I saw one nominated movie this year, and that was Superman Returns, which doesn’t count, because it was awful.

Obesity, You’re In My Crosshairs: Yet another pair of pants is going in the “too tight to wear” pile. This time it’s my green Dockers with the Queer Eye-approved flat front. How many pants must die before I get back in shape?

Television, How I (Mostly) Hate You: Some quick thoughts on the following seasons in progress:

Lost:

An entire episode devoted to Jack’s tattoo? Really? This show is horrible.

Battlestar Galactica:

When Battlestar is firing on all thrusters, it’s unquestionably the best show on television. There’s no arguing this point. This season’s Exodus, Part II lands in the top ten episodes of any show I’ve ever watched. Unfortunately, of late the show has been mired in some awful dreck — the Cylon stuff in particular was terribly disappointing. Battlestar always seems to rebound toward the end of a season, so I’m hoping the Trial of Gaius Baltar will bring redemption.

Heroes:

I skipped this show when it first premiered and only recently caught up thanks to the magic of the iPod. Heroes succeeds everywhere Lost fails — it tells interesting stories about interesting people while at the same time moves the plot along and answers questions about its mythology. Sure, the “Hiro in Vegas” arc was staggeringly dull and pointless, but it’s one bruise on a banana that’s mostly ripe, firm, and delicious.

A Banana Metaphor? Time to End the Post, Dude. Agreed. Thanks for reading everyone! More, um, later.

I had such hopes for ABC’s new Shat-centric prime time game show, Show Me the Money. Indeed, I blogged those hopes here.

Well, it premiered last night, and I couldn’t make it through 30 minutes. It’s dreadful. More than dreadful. It’s embarrassing.

Shattered dreams. Shattered, Shatnered dreams.

The problem isn’t Bill Shatner, not by a long shot. (Although there was a painfully awkward moment when he offered props to a flamboyantly gay contestant and told him how much he respected his bravery. Weird.)

No, the problem is that the game mechanics of Show Me the Money are bloody awful. Truly it is most ill-conceived game show I’ve ever seen. And I watched The Chair.

(FYI, if you are questioning my qualifications for commenting on the quality of game shows, be aware that my first words were “Bob Barker.”)

Let me set up the premise: 12 beautiful models/dancers each hold a scroll emblazoned with a dollar amount, ranging from $20,000 to $250,000. A 13th model/dancer holds a “Killer” scroll which, according to Bill, you MUST. NOT. PICK. The scrolls are rolled up and randomized so you don’t know which girl is holding which amount.

The contestant has to answer a pop culture question (refreshingly not multiple choice, but that’s ALL that’s refreshing). Then he picks a model, who opens her scroll, revealing its amount. If the contestant answers the question correctly, his “bank” is increased by the amount on that model’s scroll. If he’s wrong, his “bank” is decreased by the amount on the scroll.

The contestant continues answering questions and opening scrolls until he answers six questions correctly, or six questions incorrectly. At that point, the contestant goes home with whatever’s in his bank.

If the contestant picks the “Killer” scroll, then the game stops immediately and he must answer ONE. LAST. QUESTION. If the contestant misses the Killer Question, he immediately loses all his money and the game is over. If he answers it correctly, the game continues as before.

And that’s it.

I didn’t think it was possible to create a more mind-numbingly inane game than Deal or No Deal, a show that requires no skill or knowledge or intelligence of ANY kind, and yet…here it is.

If you consider the rules…and watched the show…the primary problem plaguing Show Me the Money quickly becomes apparent:

It’s a game show without a game.

Is that not the ultimate crime? Let’s break this down:

1) The show creates absolutely no drama whatsoever. The critical element of the popular modern game show (Deal or No Deal, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, etc.) is that at some point the contestant is forced to make a decision to put all his money on the line. Answer the question or don’t. Open the case or don’t. The drama comes from the contestant having to make a choice. As viewers, we become emotionally involved, debating that decision with our family and friends.

On Show Me the Money, a contestant chooses NOTHING. He MUST continue playing until correctly answers six questions or misses six questions. He’s just going through the motions – the contestant can’t stop, and either he’s going to know the answer or not, so where’s the drama? The tension? There’s no debate to be had in the living room! How do WE participate?

Case in point: The aforementioned flamboyantly gay contestant had banked $500,000 by the time he reached his final question. It was a ridiculously easy pop culture question (shouldn’t the last question be the hardest one??) which he clearly answered correctly. The scroll contained $20,000. Well at that point, who cares if he loses $20,000? What’s the difference between $500,000 and $480,000?

So on the first question he won $220,000, and on the last question – the riveting climax – he won an additional $20,000.

Wheeeeeeeeee. What a build-up!

2) Imagine if you played Candy Land, and one of the cards read “You Lose, Stop Playing Now.” That would make for a satisfying experience, wouldn’t it?

The “Killer” scroll/question is basically an automatic lose card. It’s way too arbitrary. If a contestant is going to be knocked out of the game, it should be because the contestant CHOSE to risk something.

Last night, the second contestant, a perfectly pleasant US Marine, was up to about $400,000 when he picked the Model with the Killer scroll. He got the question wrong. Bam. He was done. All Bill Shatner could say was “Um, well, thanks for serving your country. Sorry about that.”

The whole thing is ludicrous. Why not double the number of models, and as a contestant gets further into the game, more and more money scrolls get replaced with Killer scrolls. Choosing a model becomes walking a minefield. Give the contestant the CHOICE of continuing or not, knowing that the more he plays, the more likely he is to hit a Killer scroll.

Or if you aren’t going to give him a choice, then at least give the guy a reward for getting the question right – double his bank or something. Make it mean SOMETHING.

3) The show moves at a glacial pace. Think Deal or No Deal moves slowly? On Show Me the Money, each time the contestant is presented with a question, he has the option of passing it. He can do this twice for each question, and then he must answer the third.

So first we have to listen to the contestant drone on about how he doesn’t know the name of Russell Crowe’s character in A Beautiful Mind, and then whine about how he doesn’t know who appeared nude on Broadway four years ago, and then he finally gets to the question he’s actually going to answer. It can take up to ten minutes to get through just one question. I’d rather watch two American Idol results shows than listen to that. It’s unbearable.

4) Dollar amounts are too similar. There’s $250,000, $220,000, $190,000, and on down. There’s no “uber” scroll to get excited about. The show needs a “massive” amount like a $500,000 scroll to add to the excitement.

5) The models hate their jobs. I know this isn’t technically part of the game, but if you look closely at the models/dancers, they seem miserable. Compare them to the Deal or No Deal ladies, who are inexplicably euphoric to have a job opening briefcases at Howie Mandel’s command. Why are the Show Me the Money dancers so angry?

Show Me the Money is unsalvageable. Seriously. Get out of there, Shatner! Get out now! We’ll still love you, and we’ll still tune into Boston Legal every Tuesday night. We’ll chalk it up to the Mad Cow Disease.

Legendary screen actor, Academy Award Winner, and extraordinary tough-guy Jack Palance died today at his home in Montecito, California of natural causes. He was 87.

Jack Palance was a hero of mine. He’s probably best known these days for doing one-armed push-ups at the Academy Awards, but I’ve long admired his work in movies like Shane, City Slickers, Batman, and others. I remember watching him every Sunday night on television’s Ripley’s Believe It or Not, ending each segment with his chilling and iconic “Believe it…or not.”

Most of all, he was just so darned…leathery. I’m struggling to think of a tougher, grittier, manlier guy than Jack Palance. He will be sorely missed.

Tonight, I’d like to pay tribute to Jack by performing one of his lesser known roles. It’s one of the first parts I saw him play, and it’s still one of my favorites. In 1979, Jack guest-starred in a classic “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century” two-parter called “Planet of the Slave Girls.” He played the evil Sorcerer Kaleel, a slave trader and warlord who amasses a fleet to annhilate the Earth Defense Force.

Why is Kaleel so angry? Well, it seems that in his early 20’s, Kaleel was severely burned in a fire. Despite having no visible scarring or any lasting physical damage whatsoever, Kaleel has carried this resentment into his sixties, and he’s always threating to burn all his enemies to ashes. (Apparently there’s no therapy in the 25th century.) Palance chews up all the scenery and plays a fantastic, fanatical villain. Of course.

Since I couldn’t find a clip from the episode to show you, I thought I’d perform a dramatic interpretation of Jack Palance as Kaleel, threatening the life of the captured Buck Rogers. And since I’m feeling particularly industrious tonight, I’ve added a visual component to the performance.

With that, I present the very first Colonel T Show YouTube Presentation, entitled “Au Revoir, Jack.”

On November 14th, ABC television will premiere Show Me the Money, a new prime time game show starring William Shatner. It goes without saying I’ll watch every episode. Most intriguing is this excerpt from ABC.com’s description of the show:

Adding to the variety aspect of the show are thirteen dazzling Million Dollar Dancers ready to break into any style of dance, while audacious master of ceremonies William Shatner spontaneously boogies with the beauties on stage.

The phrase “William Shatner spontaneously boogies” is the single most powerful and persuasive selling point in the rich history of selling points. There’s no question: this will be the greatest show ever.

I received an email yesterday from the “Allstate Arena Insider,” a mailing list for concert-goers. Frequently, they’ll send ticket pre-sale notifications for concerts and events. Frequently, I delete them immediately.

I couldn’t delete this particular email, though, because this is too good to be true:

Dancing with the Stars Tickets

You love the TV show, now see your favorite stars come to a stage near you in the touring version of “Dancing With the Stars”! Twelve of your favorite stars are scheduled to take to the stage including: Cheryl Burke, Max Chmerkovskiy, Ashly DelGrosso, Willa Ford, Harry Hamlin, Kym Johnson, Drew Lachey, Joey Lawrence, Joey McIntyre, Lisa Rinna, Edyta Sliwinska, and Louis van Amstel! Buy your Dancing With the Stars tickets now!

Nearly 40 cities are going to be blessed with this traveling road-”show”, including my own Chicago. Folks, watching on television for free is one thing, but how desperate must you be for entertainment that you would spend real American money, and would drive X number of miles to watch Harry Hamlin ballroom dance?

I asked this very question of Elizabeth last night:

ME: Elizabeth, how much would you pay for a ticket to the Dancing with the Stars world tour?

ELIZABETH: I wouldn’t.

ME: Harry Hamlin’s going to be there. I’ve seen the ad. NOW how much would you pay?

ELIZABETH: Still nothing.

ME: Okay. Let’s say the tickets were free, and I had a limo take you to and from the show. Would you go?

ELIZABETH: There is nothing you can say or offer that will make this sound appealing.

ME: What if Harry Hamlin came over to our house and performed for us in the living room? You wouldn’t have to say a word or even acknowledge him in any way. I’d leave the front door unlocked so he could just walk in, dance, and walk out. Five minutes max. How about that?

ELIZABETH: Could I drink?

ME: Yeah, absolutely.

ELIZABETH: Mmmm…still no.

Poor Harry Hamlin. Well, bless his heart — it’s not like anyone was offering him “Clash of the Titans 2: Snap Kraken Pop” or anything.

If any of you DO buy a ticket to one of these shows, we’d love to hear about it. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone?