The Colonel T Show

From all of us at “Colonel T vs. the World Crime League”, have a joyous, safe, and prosperous new year.

And if you’ll let me geek out for a moment, it IS the year 2005. Shouldn’t there be Transformers flying about?

I know one person who lives in Sri Lanka, and that’s science fiction author and legend Arthur C. Clarke. I’ve been wondering if he survived, or was affected by the tsunamis. At last, he has provided an update on his Foundation Home Page.

Sorry, but I just can’t stop clicking “Refresh”.

Will Ferrell’s Anchorman, the funniest movie of the 21st century, hits stores tomorrow. If you’ve never seen it, you will stop by the video store on your way home from work and pick it up. You will watch it, and you will laugh. I never, ever, ever, recommend comedies to people, since comedy is such a subjective thing, but I’m confident you will dig this thoroughly. Don’t do it for me, do it for yourself.

This, of course, is a compilation of William Shatner’s two albums, 2004’s “Has Been” and 1968’s “The Transformed Man.” Especially appreciative of this wonderful gift was my nephew, six- month-old Charlie, who drooled in eager anticipation as his mother carefully unwrapped the disc for him.

Each guest received the album in a different sized box or gift bag, so no one would know exactly at what moment their life would change forever. My only regret was forgetting to put “Rocket Man” on the disc — I was reminded of this by my brother-in-law Patrick, whose family left with no fewer than four copies of the CD.

Most gratifying of all was that my parents-in-law still think this was purchased for them in a store as opposed to being a personalized burnt disc — a testament to my powers of graphic design, or their ignorance of CD-R technology. One or the other.

If you’d like your own copy of “The Complete William Shatner” please send me an email and I’ll have one shipped out to you. Alternatively, I’ve sent a small supply to churches and grade schools across the country, so check with your local clergyman or superintendent to see if any are available in your town.

Gaia willing, you would at this very moment be reading my thoughts on the Presidential election (hey, who here remembers John Kerry?), the Iraq War, the Russian school hostage crisis, the Sudanese civil war (which, admittedly, I know like two things about, but I could certainly stretch a paragraph out of it), the Red Sox, steroids, Janet Jackson, Sirius Satellite Radio, Ronald Reagan and his legacy, and of course, the Shatneric Renaissance.

Alas, Gaia was not willing.

Yes, you’d be reading about all that at this very moment, if only the Earth hadn’t, in a bold and unprecedented act of total defiance, thrust its mighty planet-sized middle finger up at all of us and proclaimed “Hey, don’t forget, you’re just renting.”

This is the way the world will end. Oh, it might not be a tsunami. It might be tornadoes, or hurricanes, or global warming, or a new ice age, or an asteroid, or some combination of all of those things. But it won’t end because of anything we do to ourselves.

On September 11th, we lost 3,000 Americans to the most devastating terrorist attack of our time. In response, we shut the country down for a week, reorganized the government, revamped the entire aviation system, went to war with a country that really wasn’t involved in the first place, lost over 1,000 (and counting) more Americans in that war, and got the rest of the world ticked at us. Yes, eventually some good will come from all this. Of course it will. But in the scheme of things…in the big picture…will it matter?

Because here we are, three-and-a-half hard years later, and in the span of like an hour, the Earth hiccups, and 24,000 people are dead. “Thanks for playing,” said the Earth, “but I’m running the show here.” Good lord, you can watch that death toll rise every five minutes just by clicking “Refresh” on the MSNBC Home Page.

How petty and insignificant does ANYTHING we fight for look in comparison to that? What will it take for the crazed nutsos that run the world’s governments (including our own) to realize that our final destinies are NOT IN OUR HANDS? That our time here is fleeting, and that we should be WORKING TOGETHER toward COMMON GOALS so that one day WE CAN STOP THE EARTH FROM KILLING US INDISCRIMINATELY?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t avenge the lives of those lost on September 11th, or that we should stop hunting terrorists, or that we should let down our guard. But it’s a vicious cycle we’re caught in. We’re all living on borrowed time, and there’s a bigger picture we should all be looking at. Man should not be killing man, because I assure you, Gaia’s not discriminating, and she’s in freakin’ charge.

And I thought the wake-up call at the Fairfield Inn was brutal.

So, I’m terribly sorry that my first annual year-in-review was written outside of my sarcasm shack, but I’m seriously irked. It’s just that right now, I’d rather our 100,000+ troops in Iraq be used to help the victims of this awful, awful tragedy. A simplistic wish (heck, I know this whole rant is simplistic and naive), but sometimes those are the best ones. I’ll get back inside the sarcasm shack for the first post of the new year, I promise.

Oh yeah, I hope your holidays were fantastic and that you got to spend time with loved ones. And thanks to all of you who’ve spent even a little time reading the nonsense I’ve been blogging for the last few months. I really do appreciate it.

(PS – Okay, I’m not going to leave you completely snarkless. One of the more interesting news tangents to come out of this catastrophe is that martial arts actor and legend Jet Li was missing in Asia for five hours yesterday. He and his family were vacationing on the Maldives Islands, and a Taiwanese television station reported that he was among the unaccounted for. (They have since all been found.) Overseas, Jet Li is like Brad Pitt, only Brad Pittier, and the Internet panic over his potential loss was unheralded. Here’s just one forum devoted to the topic, one of the few in English.)

Somehow, the following monologue from ID4 spontaneously leapt into my head as the clock chimed midnight. I can’t imagine why. Read with me, won’t you? Note that I’ve changed the date to make it more topical.

“Good morning. In less than one hour planes from here and all around the world will launch the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind…

Mankind. The word has new meaning for all of us now. We are reminded not of our petty differences but of our common interests.

Perhaps it’s fate that today, December the 20th, we will once again fight for our freedom. Not from tyranny, persecution or oppression. But from annihilation. We’re fighting for our right to live. From this day on, the 20th day of December will no longer be remembered as an American holiday but as the day that all of mankind declared we will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We will live on. We will survive.

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day.“

The Champaign County Ohio Auditor’s office, where I have spent the last 86 years working as a contractor, shut down for two hours today to hold their annual Christmas party. We were invited to join them, despite the fact that several of them hate us for destroying their lives. (Not really, but I’m a fatalist. Today, at least.)

The spread was amazing, and much gluttony ensued. Homemade everything: meatballs (made of meat), sausage meatballs (made of sausage) and a number of non-meatball foods such as noodles, sweet potatoes, beans, salad, and desserts! Apparently there is a food out there called a “Rolo” which I have never heard of before today. It’s a bit of caramel, surrounded by chocolate, and when you put a “Rolo” between a pretzel and a nut, well blast it, it’s a taste sensation. Combined with this amazing cheesecake brownie thing, and…yeah, the gut just keeps expanding and expanding. (Note to self: when you get home, join the gym that’s half a mile away from your house and RUN LIKE A FREAK.)

There are 11 employees in the Auditor’s office, and each one purchases a gift for everyone else. The catch is that you have to buy the SAME gift for everybody, and that gift must cost no more than $1.00. So people were opening gifts like chip bag clips, kitchen towels, plastic ornaments, lotion, and (my favorite) those Pocahontas dollar coins from a few years back.

As contractors, we didn’t participate in the exchange (heck, I didn’t even know about the lunch until an hour before it started) but one of the employees got us each a little lunch bag with our names written on the side in red magic marker. Inside? A miniature roll of toilet paper. A note attached to it read:

“For all the crap you deal with when you’re on the road.”

Simple, funny, slightly insulting, and utterly creative. It’s nice that someone there still has a sense of humor, after the weeks of crap they’ve put up with from us.

Merry Christmas, Champaign County!