The Colonel T Show

As the new Battlestar Galactica closes out its summer season this Friday, let’s take a moment to remember Greene, Hatch, Benedict, and all the rest with this stirring tribute to the original BSG.

(You have no idea how hard it was to find this picture, by the way. Go ahead. Try to Google it. I dare you.)

The following is based on a true story. Please read the scenario, carefully consider your answer, then post in the “comments” field.

My wife and I are taking you out for a moderately expensive dinner for your birthday, which we are happy to do and will gladly do again. Like most restaurants, this particular venue serves a full loaf of bread with the meal.

(Please examine the picture of the bread at this time. It will be important later.)

You order a lot of food, so much that you fill your belly and still have food left on your plate. My wife does the same.

(I ate my entire Cobb salad appetizer, but that has nothing to do with this story.)

The waiter offers to bring take-home boxes for you and my wife. You accept, and wait for the waiter to return.

What I haven’t mentioned, is that an entire uneaten loaf of that warm, crusty, delicious bread is sitting in the middle of the table. No one has spoken of it.

The waiter brings the boxes. You put what’s left of your meal in your box.

And now, it’s time to deal with the bread. You want it.

What do you do? Here are your choices:

A) Ask us if we mind if you take the entire loaf of bread.

B) Ask us if we’d care to split the bread with you.

C) Without uttering a syllable, pick up the entire loaf of bread and place it in your box.

What would YOU do?

“C” is what actually happened, and for some reason, it gnaws at me. I didn’t even want the bread. But (and I full well know I have reached George Costanza-levels of pettiness here) what if I HAD wanted it? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Please comment. I can’t sleep any more.

I attempted to explain to this person exactly what irked me, but they didn’t understand WHY their action was inappropriate. Or was it? Please comment.

While you do that, I’m going to make a sandwi— oh, I guess I’m not.

Hee.

Here is the official press release, which I had drafted last night and approved this morning. Much of the content was lifted from this morning’s live press conference, which was covered simultaneously on the Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS This Morning.

NEWS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: Colonel T (coloneltshow@gmail.com)

COLONEL T ENTERTAINMENT, INC. ANNOUNCES THE RETURN OF “THE COLONEL T SHOW.”

Colonel T Entertainment, Inc., announced Thursday they have begun development on “The Colonel T Show,” a weekly half-hour Internet podcast set to premiere in mid-late October 2005.

In a live news conference, Colonel T, CEO of Colonel T Entertainment, addressed the media:

“It’s been five years since Colonel T has been HEARD on the airwaves, and that was five years too long. The world is a mess, and I’m here to clean it up. With the podcast explosion, we now have the perfect venue to bring back one of Earth’s most beloved shows.

“Sure, some of our more recent ventures have been less than successful — I’ll be the first one to admit that ‘Soul Train: The Next Generation’ was a fool’s folly — but the Colonel T brand is a proven and unstoppable entertainment juggernaut, and we have every confidence that our new podcast will continue in that superior tradition.

“Are you cool and popular and good looking? Then this show is for you! Are you an awkward, lonely, unattractive dork? Then this show is for YOU. Repulsed by sex and violence? Tune in! Turned on by sex and violence? Tune in! Gay? Straight? Genderless? TUNE IN! Happy? Sad? Ambivalent? TUNE IN! Blind? TUNE IN! Deaf? Definitely TUNE IN!

“As to the format, the show will be 50% interviews, in the proud tradition of Tom Snyder and Bob Costas, and 50% uproarious freeform comedy and commentary in the Colonel T style and flava that the world has come to know and love.”

In addition, Colonel T’s current internet venture, the popular blog “Colonel T vs. The World Crime League” will transfer to a new domain (http://www.colonelt.com/) and receive a new name (“Colonel T.com”) along with a fresh coat of cyberpaint. “The Colonel T Show” will be downloadable there, and also be distributed through Apple’s iTunes service.

The original “The Colonel T. Show” aired on Southwest Ohio radio stations from 1992-1996. A live Internet chat show aired in 2000. Pre-recorded audio segments were provided on Colonel T.com during its original run from 1996-2003.

Colonel T also co-hosted the popular cable sports simulation show “Browns Simulated Season” from 2000-2003. “Colonel T. vs. The World Crime League” has entranced bloglovers since October 2004.

Colonel T (real name: Colonel T) is also an accomplished musician, singer, dancer, and watercolor painter. He can also be heard as a guest on the popular Columbus, OH based podcast A Shanty No Lemon. He has three beautiful wives and fifteen children on six continents.

For more information, email coloneltshow@gmail.com, or visit “Colonel T vs. The World Crime League” at http://colonelt.blogspot.com.

###

As promised, my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT is now out there for all the world to hear. I gave Anthony and the whole gang at A Shanty No Lemon exclusive rights for 24 hours, so head on over there and listen to Part 1 of the 9/14/2005 show if you can’t wait until I post the press release here tomorrow.

(Note that A Shanty No Lemon features strong adult content, except from me, because I’m hardly an adult. You can also just read the posted show notes — it’s the one wholesome thing right beneath the “Eight is Enough” references — but I do believe that’s cheating.)

For the rest of you, the official press release and ancillary materials will be posted here tomorrow. Until then, keep the go going!

I received the following email from PokerStars this past weekend:

PokerStars Tournament #12431138, No Limit Hold’em Buy-In: $1.50/$0.25
18 players
Total Prize Pool: $27.00
Tournament started – 2005/09/11 – 12:51:34 (ET)

Dear ColonelT, You finished the tournament in 1st place. A $10.80 award has been credited to your Real Money account. Congratulations! Thank you for participating.

Heck, yeah! This was the first tournament I’ve won flat-out since embarking on the Poker Odyssey, and clearly it proves I’m ready for the 2006 World Series of Poker. I’m going to reserve a block of rooms at the Bellagio for any Colonel T fans who want to party with me. Poker all day. Hardcore over-the-counter cough syrup abuse all night.

It occurs to me that I won’t be able to use my online moniker during the World Series. “Colonel T” tends to offend legitimate military officers, and the last thing I need is more heat from the military. I certainly can’t use my real name, as that would put my real life friends and family in danger. (Why do you think Spider-Man wears a mask, yo?)

So at the 2006 World Series of Poker, I will adopt the moniker “Larry Dallas”. This, if you recall, was the name of Jack Tripper’s best friend on Three’s Company. Larry was a slippery fellow — a used car dealer as adept with the ladies as he was on the sales floor. My opponents will be wary of calling my bluffs…and wary of my giant gold chest medallion.

To proliferate the Larry Dallas image, I will adopt the following card-playing strategy throughout the tournament:

1) If I’m dealt anything other than a pair of three’s, I’ll fold immediately.

2) If I am dealt pocket threes, I’ll immediately push in all my chips, jump to my feet, flip over the cards, point at them, then look around the table and say “Three’s Company, b*****s.”

They might as well just send me a check for the 7 million right now. I’ve won before it’s started.

Though the Cleveland Browns don’t face-off against the Cincinnati Bengals for a few more hours, they’ve already been awarded a major defeat that might spin their season out of control before it even starts:

Ugliest Uniforms in NFL? Browns Get Nod.

It’s got to be the colors, right? Orange and brown? Whatever. It was a sampling of just over 1,100 people, and I bet they all hate Halloween, too. And candy corn. And girls who turn orange when they get sunburnt. And the Blogger logo. And Tropicana mornings. And I bet they hate brown things too, but I’m not going down that road because we all know where it would lead.

From a pure design standpoint, anyone with half a brain knows that the ridiculous “Red Shoulder Stripe of Awkward Jersey Placement” currently employed by the Buffalo Bills automatically shoots them to top of Mr. Blackwell’s list. It’s not even a contest, in my opinion.

I’m wearing orange and brown all week, and I ask that if you love me, even a little, you’ll do the same. Tell anyone who questions your fashion sense that you’re doing it in support of hurricane relief, and they’ll feel so guilty and ashamed that they’ll head right to Sears and buy orange and brown outfits to last TWO weeks.

Attention readers! Be sure to tune into this coming week’s A Shanty No Lemon, as I’ll be making a HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT of interest to all Colonel T fans. I’ll post the link here when the show is available.

What could it be? What could it be? WHAT COULD IT BE?

(No, I’m not announcing my long-rumored engagement L’il Kim. Back off, tabloids.)

It’s time now for my annual NFL Playoff and Super Bowl Predictions.

As always, I factor in a multitude of data, including but not limited to: previous year’s records and statistics, strength of schedule, official scouting reports, media coverage (with an emphasis on local beat reporting), Vegas oddsmakers, weather reports, and interviews I’ve personally conducted with key NFL personnel working for and with each team.

All that, combined with the soaked rag of ether I just inhaled, permits me to make the following prediction with absolute confidence:

The Cleveland Browns will go 16-0 in the regular season, sweep the AFC playoffs, and handily defeat the Sacramento Surge in Super Bowl XL.

Bank on it, pigskin fans!

Many of you will remember the precursor to this site, the infrequently updated “Colonel T.com” While I still own the domain name, the site has been down for well over a year. If you go there now you’ll see a “Coming Soon” message and life insurance ads. Thanks, Network Solutions!

I’ve gotten a few emails asking me about some of the now-classic articles and songs, and I’m happy to say that those of you desperate to revisit those days gone by are not out of luck. Our dear friends at The Internet Archive are preserving the history of the Internet, and the old “ColonelT.com” is part of that history. Whether you’re a long time fan looking to satiate your hunger for nostalgia, or a newbie wanting to see what you missed, The Internet Archive will make your Colonel T dreams come true.

Here’s what you need to do:

1) Point your web browser to www.archive.org.

2) In the “Wayback Machine” text box, type colonelt.com and click “Take Me Back”

3) Click on a date to view the website as it looked on that day.

4) Laugh out loud – that crap is brilliant!

Thanks to all Colonel T vs. the World Crime League readers for their letters of concern when updates did NOT resume on September 3rd, as promised. You can stop with the cards and letters already. I’m fine. The truth is, we didn’t even arrive home until the 4th, and I’ve spent the ensuing days in front of the bathroom mirror admiring my rich, leathery tan. It’s mesmerizing.

Our vacation resort was located on an island off Charleston, South Carolina (as opposed to Charleston, West Virginia, where people also don’t wear shoes, but for an entirely different reason). We were fortunate not to endure even an afternoon of rain. Katrina and her wicked bands of brutal destruction missed us entirely. (We did watch a lot of early morning disaster coverage though, and if there’s one thing I think we all can agree on as a nation it’s that Matt Lauer is irritating.)

Anyway, this is a vacation we take every year with my wife’s family, including her sister’s two kids, my nephews-in-law, and they are 1.5 and 3.5 years old.

Alex, the oldest, took a liking to me, primarily because I let him do and eat anything he wants. If it keeps him from screaming, I figure it must be the right thing to do. Hey, I’m a nurturer. Alex is an exceptionally smart kid, and has a remarkable memory. So, when he came into my bedroom with a cup of ice, announcing “Hey Tim, I have a cup of ice,” I could practically hear the sound of opportunity knocking.

I need to give you some background – bear with me. Music is important to me, particularly the music of sixties, seventies, and eighties. Some artists’ work, like that of say John Lennon, will live on forever. His words and music and ideas will be embraced by generation after generation after generation. Other artists, whose work is no less prolific, run the risk of being lost in time, only because they aren’t quite as well understood, or as British.

One such artist, who I secretly believe came to us from the future, for his ideas are so evolved and enlightened, is the finest white rapper our world has ever known, Vanilla Ice. This raconteur and journeyman has taught us so much: From the “pay it forward” themes of Ice Ice Baby to the vivid portrait of the life a lonely martial artist in Ninja Rap to the instructional guide to roni use presented in Havin’ a Roni, Vanilla “Rob Van Winkle” Ice has given us so much, and still has so much to offer our children. I mean, what is a five-year-old with a roni going to do if he doesn’t know that song is out there?

My goal, for years now, has been to find a way to spread The Word of Ice – the essence of the man (minus the self-loathing and rage issues) to the all the younglings of the world. And now, through my nephew, I had my foot in the door.

With the future of mankind hanging in the balance, I asked Alex to sit next to me on the bed. Here’s how the conversation went:

ME: Alex, I need to tell you something about that ice.

ALEX: (silently stares at the television, which is showing an old “World Poker Tour” episode.)

ME: Alex, whenever you have ice, there’s something you have to say.

ALEX: (still not paying attention, watches Phil Ivey go all-in with 7-6 unsuited)

ME: Alex, lives are at stake, man!

ALEX: (finally looks up) I have ice in my cup.

ME: Yes…yes, you do! And do you know what you should say when you have ice?

ALEX: Huh?

ME: “Ice, Ice Baby.”

ALEX: Huh?

ME: “Ice, Ice, Baby”.

ALEX: Oh.

At this point, 30 seconds pass. To an outsider, it would appear that Alex spaced out and was ignoring me, but then….

“ICE ICE BABY! ICE ICE BABY! ICE ICE BABY!”

Alex ran from the room, sharing his cool nugget of knowledge to his family, and given his exceptional volume, to anyone else within earshot which would have been approximately the entire island. He continued shouting “ICE ICE BABY!” at random intervals for the remainder of the vacation, during the entire car ride home, and now that he’s back home, to his puppy and neighborhood friends.

He starts pre-school on Tuesday. He will undoubtedly spread “ICE ICE BABY!” to all his potty-trained pals there, creating a a chain reaction leading to the planting of the seeds of Vanilla Ice’s wisdom across the world’s population securing the future of humanity.

I guess you could say that mankind had a problem and, yo, I solved it. You can thank me later.

Word to your mother.