Our deepest thanks to one of our most loyal fans, The Cavalier (proprietor of the extraordinary sports blogging empire YAYsports!), who was up to the challenge of melding late Price is Right announcer Rod Roddy with late Kryptonian exile Zod. He transformed a random notion into a glorious reality.
Click the little picture to see the full-sized artwork. Thanks again, The Cavalier!
Fellow celebrity blogger and geek idol Wil Wheaton hosts a private, weekly poker game for his readers at Pokerstars.com. (Well, it’s private to the extent that he posts the password online, thus expanding the pool of potential players to over 6 billion, but I suppose it’s still private on a galactic scale.) Periodically he also hosts a Thursday night “West Coast Warmup”, a prelude to the main Friday game. As a West Coast resident (West Coast of Chicago anyway) I figured this would be a great opportunity to try once again to meet and face-off with Wil. I’ve been terribly depressed since my last attempt ended in abject failure.
I would say this game was anything but a failure.
As I did with the Pokerstars Blogger Championship, I liveblogged the action and am presenting it here for your enjoyment and ecstasy: Brace yourself! Brace yourself now!
9:30. Cards hit the felt and I’m nowhere near my computer. Elizabeth and I are still downstairs, cringing at the latest episode of “Donald Trump’s Parade of Losers”. I missed one, maybe two hands. Once I sit down, I survey the competition. Dr. Wily (from the Mega Man games) is directly to my left. Gary Coleman is two seats over (ironic, if you listened to Episode Zero), and next to him is a full glass of Guinness. Guinness is apparently a very good, very important player, though I don’t yet know who or why.
9:31. By the way, the entry fee was $10 + 1. There are 72 players across eight tables. Total prize pool is $720, and the top nine players will walk away with money. Our lovely host Wil Wheaton is at table eight, and he’s already won a pot. I’m falling behind.
9:34. I’m dealt pocket Kings, and the flop brings me a third. After a sweet raise of just over half the pot (a continuation bet for all you Harrington fans, as I also raised before the flop), I take my first pot.
9:34. My life can now be divided into two distinct ages: The age before Wil Wheaton commented on a stupid poker move I made, and the age after Wil Wheaton commented on a stupid poker move I made.
I was dealt pocket aces. I raise, and everyone but Guinness calls. He’s got position on me. The flop comes up 9-9-K. I raise, Guinness re-raises, I call. At this point, I’m thinking he’s got A-K, maybe even K-K, but I’m not sure since he only called before the flop. The turn brings a Q. Again I bet, and Guinness immediate goes all in. What the heck could he have? At this point, I’m worried that he’s carrying a third 9. I’m intimidated. Remember, he is reputed to be very good and very important.
I fold.
He turns over 2-7.
In this game, they call that the Hammer. I am shamed, just like the portly guy in that Full Tilt Poker commercial. Still, it wasn’t all bad, for the following conversation occurred in the chat box.
Wil Wheaton [observer]: AHHHH! Awesome! (sorry, i hit my head earlier)
HermWarfare [observer]: hehe
ColonelT: Oh, hatred.
DarthParadox: *giggle*
Wil Wheaton [observer]: did iggy show the hammer?
Guinness: it was soooooted
Wil Wheaton [observer]: lol
DarthParadox: is it still a hammer if it’s suited?
bob labah: hammer was sighted
Wil Wheaton [observer]: nice hand, sir. well-played
Guinness: ty787Style [observer]: more of a chisel
Guinness: canadian hammer methinks
Can I call Wil my good personal friend now? Would that be an exaggeration at this point? Hmm. In any event, Guinness the poker player is indeed very good, and very important. Just like the beer, actually, now that I think about it. Let’s move on.
9:39. I receive AK Suited. I’m getting abnormally good starting hands so far! But I’m distracted by the television in the corner of my office. It’s Celebrity Poker Showdown, starring drunk Dave Foley and Poker Expert Phil Gordon. This show has more or less jumped the shark, but it’s a nice throwback to the Dean Martin school of entertainment etiquette, where a host can be consistently and unabashedly drunk on camera. It seems to be an all West Wing finale with Charlie Young facing off against Speaker Haffley. I’m so mesmerized by the power of their celebrity that I complete miss the four spades on the board in MY game, and I stupidly call my opponent’s raise, and his flush beats my two pair. I’m down to 1115 chips. Meanwhile, at table 7, Wil is sitting pretty in 14th place with 1865.
9:44. Up to 1415 now. Hey, did anyone watch Smallville tonight? Great episode. Kneel before Zod!. (Hey, anyone with Photoshop skills should make a picture of late Price is Right announcer Rod Roddy in Zod’s leather uniform with the caption KNEEL BEFORE ROD! That’s comedy gold, right there. I would hang that in my office.)
9:49. The table is very quiet of late, so I make an obscure Mega Man IV reference in the hopes of befriending Dr. Wily. He responds with the classic Wily MUAHAHAHAHA! Either no one else at the table has any idea what we’re talking about, or they don’t want to be caught associating with nerds.
9:55. More silence. I’m folding a lot. My mind wanders. I notice my avatar (the image that represents me at the poker table) is not terribly crisp. I think I need a higher resolution image. People need to see Shirtless Kirk in high resolution. They need to see the individual beads of sweat that form after he wrestles his junior officers for no reason. “Excuse me, Ensign! I was just passing by. Let’s remove our shirts and wrestle!” That’s verbatim from a first season episode. I wonder what a Google Image search of “Shirtless Kirk” would bring up? More on this later.
10:06. I knock out some guy named Anithri with my AK suited. I’m up to 1765 and I’m in 26th place. I don’t have a joke for this paragraph. Will a random Dustin Diamond reference do?
10:07. “Slash” fiction is a very specific form of fan fiction which pairs two characters from a book, a film, or a television show and places them in romantic encounters. The whole genre was kicked off in the 70’s when fans paired Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock in some, well, romantic encounters. These stories were passed around, and later sold at, sci-fi conventions. And of course, the stories featured some beautiful, um, “artistic renderings” of said romantic encounters. What’s the point of all this? Remember that Google Image search of “Shirtless Kirk” I said I was going to do? Yeah. Never again.
10:09. I need to squeegee the brain. What better way to do that than with a nice Law and Order Coloring Book?
10:16. Woot! My pocket 8’s take out someone’s pocket 5’s, eliminating that player. and skyrocketing me into 12th place! 2785 chips.
10:20. Hey, I forgot to mention the Superman Returns teaser that played during Smallville tonight. Brando as Jor-el: He sounds completely trashed. I never noticed that before. “My son, sweet Kal-el, I apologize for the odor in your spacecraft. I spilled some Scotch in there, and forgot all about it when Krypton went all crazy nuts with the earthquakes and the hellfire.” That’s an actual line from the trailer. Download it. I swear it’s in there.
10:21. NOOOOOO! Wil Wheaton just got knocked out at his table. Again, I miss out on my chance to face him. Will we never do battle? Hopefully he’ll stick around and observe. I’m now in 17th place, but I feel like someone punched me in the solar plexus. Somehow, I have to keep my spirits up. Perhaps I’ll put on some John Tesh. Mmm, there we go. That’s nice. Ooh! Did you think I meant John Tesh MUSIC? No, I put on some John Tesh cologne. Eau de Teshie. I smell Teshtastic!
10:26. Somehow, I’m getting into a groove. Behold, the power of Tesh! I’m now up to 3185 chips and 12th place.
10:28. Break time! After one hour, exactly half the field has been eliminated. 36 players are left on four tables. I’m going to stretch my legs, grab a drink, and visit my wife and unborn children.
10:32. Elizabeth was watching ER. John Stamos was on, giving the performance of a lifetime, as all big-name ER guest stars are contractually obligated to do. I haven’t watched ER regularly in years, but if John Stamos is their big sweeps stunt casting…umm…well, he’s more famous than me, so I’m not going to say anything further.
Seriously though, Stamos?
10:45. After a dull post-break period, MoDaddy goes All-In with J-J. I call him with my pocket aces. The flop? Jxx, (ARGH!) and he ultimately wins the hand with a full house. Brutal! I’m down to 1680, 25th place.
10:50. Blinds are 75/150, and I score pocket aces AGAIN. Everybody folds to my 450 chip raise. Definitely raised too much there; I wanted some action. Still, I’m up to 1830 chips. 22nd place (out of 28 remaining competitors.)
10:52. I’m dealt pocket tens, and I go all-in. Someone calls, and I double up! Back to 12th place.
10:53. Tonight on Late Show with David Letterman, Tom Hanks is doing the top 10 list remotely. The topic: “Top Ten Signs There’s Global Warming. Number 1: “I’m so disoriented from the heat, I agreed to do a lame Top Ten List.” Funny, although Tom Hanks is losing his hair. He’s got it styled in some kind of oddly straightened, nigh-mullety, almost Ace Ventura configuration. He’s looked better, but he’s always comedy gold when he’s on Letterman. Actually, Hanks is one of the best talk show guests ever, because he clearly prepares fresh material every time he appears anywhere. Bully for you, Tom Hanks!
11:07. I double up AGAIN, and holy crap, all of a sudden I’m in 3rd place. Blogging updates are getting sporadic, I realize, but suddenly I’ve got a shot at the money, and I need to focus on the game. I put on sunglasses in case someone stashed a webcam in my office. I can’t see anything now, because all the lights are off. BLAST!
11:10. Yes! Wheaton Encounter II: Return of Wheaton! I just knocked out two players, and Wil Wheaton, who’s been watching, makes the following observation: “Wow! Wow!” Believe it or not, I get tongue-tied, and I freeze up, and I can’t think of a response. How can that be possible? I’m at a keyboard. How can I be tongue tied? I blew a perfect opportunity here. Anyway, now I’ve got 13,275 chips, and I’m in a strong, strong 3rd Place.
11:31. We’re down to 10 players, which means money starts rolling in as soon as someone else gets eliminated. I’m now in 4th place, with 12175 chips. I’m not playing terribly aggressively, given that I want to turn a profit here. Don’t want to risk the babies’ college fund.
11:34. YES! Final table! Currently guaranteed to win – ooh! Someone else dropped almost immediately. With 8 players left, I’m guaranteed 32.40. I make a lame 2005 World Series of Poker final table joke “Hey, we’re all millionaires!” but nobody laughs, because 1) It was lame and 2) We’re on the computer and I can’t hear them.
11:35. Break number two.
11:43. Seven Players left!
11:52. Now with six players left; I’m in fifth place with 9525. Suddenly my run of great cards has turned into a run of ugly cards. Still, I’m guaranteed $46.80 from this point forward.
11:57. Five players left! Now I’m guaranteed $46.80.. I’m short stacked, and with the blinds (600/1200) coming around as fast as they are, I need to start getting aggressive here.
12:07. Another player is knocked out! Down to four players. I’m still the short stack, but now I’m guaranteed $72.00.
12:12. Aaaaaaaand scene. My 6-6 lost to Nomad’s 10-10. But hey, I’m not complaining. I won 72 bucks, and Wil Wheaton commented on my play twice. Someday I will actually play against him, and we will talk, and it will be good. I had a blast, and my thanks to Mr. Wheaton and all the competition for a great game. Let’s do it again soon.
12:58. I’m asleep, and dreaming that my neighbor is demanding he be allowed to plant corn in my living room. He keeps saying it’s his God-given right. That has nothing to do with the Poker tournament, but it was whacked out enough that I thought I should post it.
Moments ago, I made the final payment on my dear automobile and lifemate, the Winkman-Class Light Cruiser Tomarken. Many of you have enjoyed her comforts over the years, and I encourage you to take a moment and reflect on the memories.
Is there any greater feeling than paying off your car? Other than inhaling ether, I can’t think of one.
In our five years together, the Tomarken and I have driven over 88,000 miles (and of course, her spirit was in my previous Mustang, so tack on 75,000 miles to that figure).
I’m moved to haiku:
Swiftly and safely
Did we conquer I-80
Let’s do it again.
After all those trips
Surely you got tired of
Huey Lewis songs.
How big is the back?
Not big enough for one man.
How ’bout two babies?
Remember when we
Hit that drifter named Rico?
Prison was no fun.
The Colonel T Show – Episode 0 – “Tech Demo Fiesta”
(34:14, 15.6 MB, MP3 format. Right-click and “Save As” to download.)
For those of you who haven’t listened to podcasts before, no iPod or other MP3 player is required. You can listen to the audio right on your computer just as you would any MP3 or other audio file.
(In the “near future” we’ll also be available on iTunes, and I’ll talk about that once it’s happened.)
In the meantime, please enjoy these Show Notes for Episode Zero:
Please leave some comments after you listen — how was the audio? The content? The anything? Your feedback will make for a better Colonel T Show. Remember, this was primarily just to see if my laptop could handle the stress of entertaining the planet week in and week out, so be gentle. Cheers in advance, true believers.
This weekend, we’ll be recording “The Colonel T Show: Episode Zero: Tech Demo Fiesta”. We’ve finally worked out all the geek kinks and are ready to produce an actual 30-minute test podcast. Primarily we need to determine: 1) How long it takes to record and edit a full show and 2) Delivery of the show to the masses.
When the show is posted here next week, I’ll ask you to download it, listen to it, and comment on the technical aspects. IT WILL NOT BE ENTERTAINING OR THOUGHT PROVOKING IN ANY WAY. Let’s keep our expectations low. In fact, read the following short dialogue, gauge your emotional reaction to it, and expect to be about that entertained after listening to Episode Zero:
ROY: How’s that sandwich?
BARRY: It’s good, thanks. Care for a bite?
ROY: No, I’m not hungry. Appreciate the offer, though.
See? Just trying to keep the expectations low.
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