The Colonel T Show

Want the first image you see in 2006 to be the smiling, comforting countenance of Tom Bosley? We’re happy to oblige.

From the entire Colonel T Show family to yours, have a fantastic and safe New Year’s.

Photoshopped! That’s what all the kids are saying about ABC’s promotional photograph for Saturday night’s “Dick Clark’s Strokes-a-Rockin’ New Year’s Eve Spectacular”. Apparently, Dick Clark wasn’t able to attend the shoot, so they digitally inserted him into the shot with Hilary Duff and Ryan Seacrest.

This has raised all sorts of questions about Dick Clark’s physical condition — has he not fully recovered from his stroke of over a year ago? Will he perform The Countdown in voice only? Will he be “digitially re-created” ala Tony Soprano’s mother after the actress died? (Hey, is a digital re-creation of Dick Clark “more real” than the actual Hilary Duff and Ryan Seacrest? I think that’s a yes.)

Look, I’m a Dick Clark fan from way back. WAY back. I even own his book on personal grooming. I want my kids to grow up in the same world I did, a world where Dick Clark is omnipresent and dealing endless laughs and bloopers and music trivia to all the people of the world. And has there ever been a better tagline? “For now, Dick Clark, so long.” I shudder to think we’ve heard that for the last time.

(There’s a “Seacrest, OUT!” joke here somewhere, but this is my third post of the day and the well is drying up. Why not write your own?)

Anyway, let’s pray Dick Clark is back on top of his game and ready to count down from ten. Nobody does it better. I’ll be watching, and drinking. (But not in that order.)

The post title says it all: I have, at last, enjoyed a round of poker with Mr. Wil Wheaton.

I didn’t live-blog the tournament, but I did save some of our conversation.

“What?!?” you exclaim, tears streaming down your cheeks, your jaw agape. “You…conversed…with him, too?”

Oh yes. We conversed. We conversed and it felt so right. So pure.

And so, I present two excerpts from the PokerStars chat box. It all took place on a cold December night. Well, cold outside maybe, but it was so very warm in my heart.

This first conversation took place mid-way through the tournament. I had a queen in my hand, and it paired after the flop. Everyone else had folded, leaving just Wil and I at the table. We were two gladiators locked in mortal combat, exhausted, but determined to best the other even as our bones ached deep into the marrow. Before I could clear the euphoric haze that clouded my mind, it was WIL who broke the silence…WIL who bridged the gulf I thought I’d never cross.

(One thing to know before reading on: The avatar (picture) I use at PokerStars to represent me is a Shirtless Captain James T. Kirk. Wil’s avatar is a picture of himself. Click on the screenshot above to help visualize it all).

Wil Wheaton: sigh
Arcon [observer]: first ever HAMMER for me
Sires [observer]: Wil, I sent you an email about your podcast… have fun reading it. See ya tomorrow, and GL for tonight!!!
Wil Wheaton: you have a queen, don’t you
Arcon [observer]: =)
Dealer: Wil Wheaton, it’s your turn. You have 15 seconds to act
Wil Wheaton: because i beat everything else
Dealer: Player Wil Wheaton has requested TIME
Wil Wheaton: KIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Wil folds)
Dealer: Game #3216186424: ColonelT wins pot (1125)
Sires [observer]: bye….
Dealer: Game #3216197730: Boobie Lover wins pot (375)
psycoma [observer]: you spit your last breath…at thee?
hobbesme [observer]: Shatnet would be proud
ColonelT: The degree to which that brought me joy cannot be measured. That was lovely.
yestbay1 [observer]: Wil, nice stack of chips you got there
Wil Wheaton: check out my magnificently tailored latex chest . . .
Wil Wheaton: hey dave!
Wil Wheaton: lol @ colonelt

Oh yes, he laughed at something I wrote. I brought the funny, and Wil scooped it up like an ice cream parlor attendant scoops up ice cream with an ice cream scoop. Similes are hard.

The next exchange involved a third player at the table, SeedyV. His avatar was a box from the classic game show Press Your Luck. ‘Twas the mighty $5000 and a Spin. I immediately recognized it for what it was (obviously, considering I named my car after the host) and I commented on it. Let’s go back to the chat to see what happened next:

Wil Wheaton: agsp
Wil Wheaton: err GASP
Wil Wheaton: even
ColonelT: Seedy is that a Press Your Luck avatar?
SeedyV: BINGO
Wil Wheaton: OMG it is!
Wil Wheaton: DUDE
Dealer: SeedyV, it’s your turn. You have 15 seconds to act JoeSpeaker: big money, no whammies
psycoma [observer]: I <3>
SeedyV: C’mon you guys
Wil Wheaton: best. avatar. evar.
Wil Wheaton: much better than some dumb captain with a wig on psycoma [observer]: but not that crap new one tho…old school

Not only did Wil share my appreciation of the Press Your Luck avatar, but I had made such an impression on him that he brought our relationship full circle and ripped on my avatar. I normally don’t condone such Shatner-mocking, but given that this was Wil Wheaton, a man who (nearly) has had physical contact with William Shatner, I let it slide.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before I was eliminated from the tournament. I finished 19th out of 64. But the money wasn’t important. I’d lived my dream.

Someday, Wil and I will meet again, in person, and we’ll share a beer. (Well, two glasses of beer — I’m not literally sharing a beer with him and shame on you for that weird Lady and the Tramp spaghetti strand vision that just popped into your head.)

Yes, we’ll laugh and tell tales of our first encounter across the virtual felt.

I look forward to it.

We spent all our Christmas money upgrading The Colonel T Show studios. Actually, my wife bought some pillows, and I robbed a Best Buy, but the end result is the same: better sounding podcasts are on the way! Here are just some of the details:

–> We’ve acquired a second laptop, which will resolve the Skype voice imbalance issue that plagued Episode 1 — we had a number of listeners report that Scott Sabol sounded like Nick Nolte with a megaphone, and I sounded like Stuart Little.

–> While cleaning out what will be the babies’ room, I found my old studio microphone, last used on the set of Browns Simulated Season. No more “popping P’s” for me. (In a related story, The Human Torch applied for a bank loan.)

–> We have an RSS feed! Click the “Feed” graphic over in the sidebar and enjoy The Show in your favorite RSS reader. (One fan emailed us to say he can even access us through iTunes, though if that’s true it’s entirely by accident because I haven’t set that up yet. Maybe he’s listening to “The Colonel Potter Show” — a podcast for Harry Morgan fans — and is just confused.)

With all this new technology at our disposal, Episode 3 should be much more comfortable to listen to. Except that…Episode 3 is not going to be Episode 3, exactly…there’s going to be something else that comes out before it…and I’ll fill you in on that when the release date draws nearer.

Stop trembling, you! I’ll tell you soon enough.

Okay, here’s a hint:

I plan to live forever.

Really, is there a more appropriate topic for Christmas night? No, I don’t think so.

There’s a moment in every person’s life (save for a Mormon’s) when he or she realizes what kind of drunk they are. The possibilities are endless. There’s the Angry Drunk, who tries to fight everyone in the room, no matter how much bigger they are. The Forgetful Drunk, who can’t remember their own mother’s name, no matter how hard they try (and really, all they have to remember is “Mom” but even this simple task is too complicated for them). Actually, the Forgetful Drunk has two burdens, the second being that they’ll wake up somewhere and have no idea how they got there. That’s tough, particularly if it’s an unmarked ditch.

Sloppy Drunk is the guy who inevitably vomits on your shoes. Kissy Drunk is the guy who kisses you, your best friend, and in many cases, anyone or anything with a face, including your cat. Philosopher Drunk is indistinguishable from High Guy; this is the person who pontificates about the nature of the universe, eventually arriving at the staggering conclusion that we may all be characters in a video game from some parallel dimension and not actually alive at all — and that at any moment someone may shut the power off, and all of us will disappear because in this parallel dimension, there are no memory cards.

Stoic Drunk just sits in a corner and doesn’t bother anybody. Excuse Drunk is constantly apologizing for his bad behavior, because he’s only acting that way because of the alcohol. Denial Drunk refuses to accept that he’s drunk. “I’m incapable of being drunk,” he says, “Sure, I’ll have another Zima.”

Drunk Drunk is redundant to the point of redundancy. Sad Drunk just loves to make every moment as awkward as possible. “I should have spent more time with my Grandfather before he died” says Sad Drunk, as all the other drunks quickly formulate excuses to leave the room.

Tonight, I realized something I’ve suspected for a very long time. When I drink, I become “Awesome Drunk”. I’m way more entertaining when I drink than when I’m sober, and I’m also much more creative. There was a “Friends” episode about a guy just like this, and when the “Friends” all got together with “Awesome Drunk” when he was sober, they didn’t like him anymore. Then the “Friends” all went to Best Buy and bought 65″ plasma flat-screen HDTV’s with their million dollar-per-episode salaries and promptly forgot about him. I hate the “Friends” particularly David Schwimmer, partially because he’s whiny, and partially because I hate him.

The problem with being “Awesome Drunk” is that you might start to lean on booze as a crutch — instead of digging down and being awesome on your own, you might just pop open a gin and tonic (as if that comes in a can) when you’re in a situation where creativity and lovability would work to your benefit. It’s a dangerous game, and overuse of this power might cause “Awesome Drunk” to become “Alcoholic Drunk”.

I’m not there, and I don’t plan to get there. I understand that, used judiciously, transforming into Awesome Drunk is like flipping over pocket aces — it doesn’t happen often, but when it does, everybody loves it, and it makes you effectively invincible. There are any number of ways that analogy doesn’t make sense, but the great thing about being “Awesome Drunk” is that you don’t have to make sense — everyone loves you despite your incomprehensibility.

Hey, one more thing. Do you like awkward moments? Here’s one you can discuss amongst yourselves. Tonight, as we sat down to Christmas dinner, my nephew cried out “I don’t want to sit next to Daddy! I want to sit next to Colonel T!” So his Daddy moved over, and made a space for me.

What else could I do? I sat down. To do anything less would be negligent of my duties as “Awesome Drunk.” Children need love from the intoxicated, too.

From all of us at “The Colonel T Show,” Merry Christmas!

The Colonel T Show – Episode 2 – “Caroling with the Colonel“

(15:00, 6.87 MB, MP3, right-click and save as)

In brief: At the intersection of Pretention and Shame lies this very special Christmas show, featuring twisted versions of some of your favorite holiday classics.

Detailed Show Notes:

• Back from the War
• White Christmas
• Silent Night
• Deck the Halls
• Jingle Bells
• Standing Tall
• A Tale of Romance and Adventure on the High Seas
• To Cleanse the Palate: “The Bells are Ringing”

The Colonel T Show – Episode 1 – “The Big Bang“

(38:15, 17.6 MB, MP3, right-click and save as)

In brief: After a gripping rant, Colonel T welcomes beloved American meterologist Scott Sabol to kick off the Internet’s hottest new podcast. Brace yourself, entertainment lovers.

Detailed Show Notes:

• Previously on The Colonel T Show
• Are you crazy for Swayze? You’re in luck!
• Colonel T vs The Greasy Teens
• Welcome Scott Sabol
• Dueling the Weather Gods
• The End of Golf as we Know It?
• Fatherhood x2
• The Colonel’s Fist!
• Good Night, and Good Luck
• Get More Scott Sabol at http://www.fox8cleveland.com/default2.htm
• Please visit our fabulous announcer Carol Goode’s website: www.soundsgoode.com