The Colonel T Show

The nominees for the 79th Annual Academy Awards were announced this morning, and as a big-time movie fan I feel obligated to throw in my two cents.

Unfortunately, I can’t.

I’ve seen exactly four movies on the entire list: Star Wars, Harry Potter, War of the Worlds, and Batman Begins.

My “serious moviegoer” card has been officially revoked.

Historically, I’ve managed to see a fairly healthy majority of the nominated films in a given year. In fact, Elizabeth and I used to throw Oscar parties. They were lavish affairs, and guests often threw up in our bathroom. One year, our neighbors called the cops, not because we were having too much fun or being too loud, but because I was doling out too much expert Oscar wisdom. It wasn’t safe, they said, to be so knowledgable.

Seriously though: This year…golly…where did the time go? In my youth I’d have seen Narnia and Kong on their opening nights. I’d have gotten up early on weekends to check out Goodbye and Good Luck, Syriana, Munich, Walk the Line, and Elizabeth would even have gotten me to go to the Gay Cowboy Movie. It’s like the time that passed between, oh, Star Wars and now is just this out-of-control blur — I changed jobs, impregnanted my wife, and now it’s Februaryvand I’m going to be a father in two months. Time is indeed the fire in which we burn.

(Coincidentally, as I drafted this entry, I discovered that my old friend and Colonel T Show guest Scott Sabol started a blog and wrote on this very subject. By the way, who would start a blog and not tell anyone? I don’t know anyone like that. It’s unheard of. Scott posits that as fast as time may be going right now, it’s going to hit warp speed as soon as my daughters are born. I’m going to be lucky to see one film on the Oscar list next year, much less four.)

Elizabeth and I did manage to catch Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle over the weekend. Was that nominated? I’m too lazy to look at the list again.

Well, I don’t want to disappoint you, so here’s a pick…my single, completely uninformed Oscar pick for 2005:

Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote. 2+ hours of baby talk, and audiences still find him compelling. Bully for him. Have an Oscar. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Editor’s Note: I’ve hired former G.I. Joe Silent Weapons expert MacArthur S. Ito, code-name “Quick Kick,” to handle the short-form and “interesting link” reporting for the blog. Since leaving the Joes, Mac has been writing freelance stories for print magazines like “Pregnancy Weekly” and “Men’s Health en Espanol”. That, combined with his impressive “E-4″ military grade, makes him the perfect choice for this crucial role. Please welcome him.

Hi there! MacArthur “Quick Kick” Ito here, with your Quick Hits! for January 30, 2006:

• Last week, The Colonel professed his undying love for the new Battlestar Galactica, and chastised those of you who don’t watch it. So of course, those of you who tuned in last Friday were treated to the single worst episode of the entire series; an episode so staggeringly bad that the creator and executive producer of the show recorded an entire podcast about how bad it was. (Editor’s note: It wasn’t THAT bad. Dial it back, Quick Kick.)

• Comedian Dick Gautier, a staple of ’70’s game shows like Match Game ‘74 and Match Game ‘75 sells artwork on his website. One of the pieces is a caricature of Russian-born dancer Rudolf Nureyev and is going for $150. If this was a Jeopardy category, it would be “Merchandise Extremely Unlikely To Sell Ever”. (Editor’s Note: Dude! A little respect for the Gaut! I get that you’re trying to make a big impression on your first day, but let’s not diss our comedy elders, ‘K?)

• I apparently grew up in Watts.

The Constant Gardener is a critically acclaimed movie starring Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz. It has received a number of awards and may even pick up an Oscar or two in March.

I’ve written what is arguably the funniest joke EVER about “The Constant Gardener” — perhaps the funniest joke about any movie in the history of cinema. I offer it to you, my reading/listening public, to repeat at your leisure. I hope you like turning down marriage proposals, because you’ll be bomabarded if you unleash this comedic beast in mixed company.

Here it is, in its entirety:

“So have you heard about this movie, The Constant Gardener? No? Well, it’s about this guy who’s always working outside in the yard.”

Even typing it I get chills. Enjoy.

The Colonel T Show Episode 3 – “The Gaming Roundtable“

(1:02:20, 28.5 MB, MP3 Format, Right-Click and Save-As)

In brief: Four of electronic gaming’s greatest minds join Colonel T for a whipsmart discussion of the latest industry news and releases. The ultimate fusion of comedy, drama, information, and geekery.

Featuring My Very Special Guests:

• Brad Gallaway – Critic and Senior Editor of GameCritics.com.
  
• Doug Walsh – BradyGames Strategy Guide Author. Visit His Blog, Randomly Generated.
  
• Erika Richardson – Designer and Illustrator. Visit Her Website: Simply Erika.
  
• Patrick Brumbaugh – Co-Host and Token Straight Guy, A Shanty No Lemon.

Special Note: As usual, the sound quality is all over the map. In general, I’m very loud, and the guests are very quiet. For whatever reason, Skype and Audacity went all wonky on me just before showtime. The problem did correct itself in the last 15 minutes or so. I had the entire engineering staff killed, of course, leavng me with only interns to investigate. Apologies for any dementia you may experience as you try to reconcile the sound disparity in your mind.

SHOW NOTES:

• Thanks to “Q” for this week’s theme song.
  
• Plan on wearing clothes to this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo.
  
• DS vs PSP – What the heck is Sony doing?
  
• Revolution under $300? Well, duh.
  
• What kind of coming out party will Nintendo have for the Twilight Princess?
  
• Erika doesn’t have a DS, but she does have Britney’s Dance Beat.
  
• West Virginia’s formerly obese teens will soon be looking svelte and loving J-Pop.
  
• Hey, did you know G4 is showing Star Trek? Maybe you’ve seen an ad or 12,000.
  
• New Releases: DMC3SE, Namco Arcade Hits, Doug convinces all of us to buy Age of Kings DS, Sierra Adventure Compiliations (I’m buying it, at least), Brad wonders why State of Emergency 2 exists, Doug’s thinks Full Auto could be pretty great, while I think Empire at War is awful).
  
• Whatcha Playing? Quick takes on F-Zero GX, Transformers, Headhunter Redemption, the Castlevania Double-Pack, Animal Crossing WW, Mario and Luigi 2, City of Heroes, Final Fantasy IX, and Patrick’s dreaming about Meteos, Giant Eggs, Rez, and his Intellivision.

Who sent you here? Oh, never mind. Thanks for coming, but we’re not open for business yet. If this was 1998, I’d have a animated butch construction worker for you to look at. But this is 2006, and such things are now trite and undesirable.

While you wait, perhaps you’d care to enjoy an episode of the hottest podcast around, “The Colonel T Show”? What’s that? You would? Super! The download links are to your right. No, your OTHER right. There you go. Right there. Mmmm, that’s nice.

We should be “officially” open any day now. Check back often.

One more thing…Seahawks vs. Steelers in Super Bowl XL, huh? Wow, that’s pretty great. The Seahawks are the team I always replace when I create my own Madden franchise, and the Steelers are the hated enemies of my beloved Cleveland Browns. Maybe there’ll be one of those prime time “The Price is Right” specials on that night. “Bob Barker” were my first words.

I built two baby cribs today. One for each of my daughters-to-be. I built their cribs with steel and brawn. I would say there was a 3:29 steel to brawn ratio. Math! Get on the train, buddy.

Finally, for the love of Odin, if you aren’t watching Battlestar Galactica you are missing the best show on television. Go rent the DVD’s. If you can’t afford the DVD’s, download the scripts and perform the shows yourself in your rec room. Make sure you play Starbuck or Baltar; they get the juiciest lines. Give Helo to your “funny” uncle. And I don’t mean “funny” as in “ha-ha”. Trust me. He’s up to no good. Have you checked your silverware drawer recently? $10 says you’re missing a spoon.

A quick announcement: Episodes 0-2 will be unavailable for downloading while my technical staff conducts some server wrangling. This is all part of a big site upgrade that I’ll be talking about soon.

Hopefully, society will survive the downtime. Consult a trusted adult or clergyman if you’re having trouble coping. Don’t turn to alcohol or cocaine. Or cutting. Or huffing.

Well, maybe a little huffing won’t hurt. Mmmmm! Paint!