The Colonel T Show

We’re less than four weeks out from parenthood. Elizabeth hits 33 weeks on Thursday, and twins are considered “full term” at 36. At that point, they’ll stick a needle in her belly, sample the amniotic fluid, and from that determine if the girls’ lungs are developed. If the answer is yes, then they’ll be pushed out or extracted within 24 hours. Bam. Parenthood.

Hmmm. How to spend my last four weeks of “freedom”?

Well, I’ve got two more episodes of The Colonel T Show planned before the wee ladies enter our world. The first is a regular show: “Episode 4: Flippin’ and Tippin’” and is a somewhat experimental solo effort which will either entertain and delight or suck tremendously. I’m also working on the first “Colonel T Show Special Edition”, the subject of which I’m keeping under wraps because I’m almost certain it’s never been done before on the Internet. It could be very exciting and profitable.

(And yes, I do get the sad irony of having a “Special Edition” when the show comes out so infrequently. I’m ashamed.)

I’m going to make a serious effort to post something every day from now until the births. Someday when I’m dead my daughters will read this blog and I want them to be impressed with my incredible work ethic, even when hurtling toward the greatest challenge of my life. They’ll certainly be interested to know what I was feeling during this period, even though it hasn’t changed much since August: 95% excitement, 5% terror beyond imagination.

Finally, on a totally unrelated note, congratulations to the Geoffman (whose birthday was yesterday), to whom I owe $7. He correctly predicted I wouldn’t sit on a jury (I had Jury Duty on Monday) and that I’d be sent home without serving. Sure enough, after 3 hours of sitting on plush red couches and watching HGTV on 15 overhead televisions, we were all sent home. Hey, it was a paid day off, and I got in some good reading. Free coffee and doughnuts, too. So congratulations, Grandpa Geoffman, your $7 will be waiting for you when you arrive.

The following comes from Colonel T Show reader/listener Sabs:

How do you handle the celebrity status of being a legend in the blogging community?

Sincerely,
The Sabs
Evening With Sabs

Well, Sabs, as you’ll find out soon, there’s a difference between becoming famous and being famous. Every blogger dreams of achieving immortality. I wouldn’t say I’m there yet, but yes, I’m very close. The truth is, though, a life of fortune and Internet glory comes at a price. Let me share with you a story:

The very first time I was recognized I was standing in a Target checkout line. Something in the way I said “Hey, register jockey, you scanned those Altoids twice!” tipped off the cashier. Soon she was giggling, gushing, and calling over all her co-workers. “It’s Colonel T!” she cried out, and within minutes I was surrounded by close to 100 people. It was a sea of red tops and khaki pants as the entire Target sales team rushed me. It was quite an ego-boost, Sabs, but what I should have realized is that the accolades were affirmation that I was doing good work. Important work. Meaningful work. It MUST be about the work, but that lesson was lost in the euphoria of my first public mobbing.

Once word got out that I lived in town, the residents went out of their way to interact with me…to get a piece of me…to get just a bite of the fruit that falls from The Tree of T. I was given endless freebies at the market, and I was allowed to jump to the front of the line. Parents would ask me to kiss their babies (and sometimes, to give them a peck on the cheek too.) And oh the autograph requests. I was happy to give them, just to see the smiles on their awed faces.

The high lasted about six months. But then novelty wore off — I WAS famous — and reality set in.

A simple grocery run for milk and bread is a three-hour ordeal as every man, woman, and child stops to talk to me. I can’t even count the number of colds and flus and malarias I’ve caught from kissing filthy baby foreheads. And the endless autographs? Two words: Carpal Tunnel.

I don’t want to make my life sound miserable. It’s not — far from it. I’ve traveled to foreign lands, dined with royalty, and wear clothing made from the finest sheepskin. It’s a good life, but those material earnings do come with a price. So here’s my advice, Sabs: Remember, it’s the work that gets you there in the first place. I’ve earned my position in life through diligent and non-stop posting and podcasting. And that’s the key — to be truly successful in this blogging game, you can’t be in it for the fame. It’s about the work. It all has to come back to the work.

Remember that, Sabs, the first time someone asks for YOUR autograph.

Special “Recently Deceased Celebrities” Edition!

Today’s Quick Hits! is all about honouring those who have recently passed beyond the veil…

Andreas Katsulas. You know him best as “The One-Armed Man” from The Fugitive but I knew him as “G’Kar” from Babylon 5. Andreas was a passionate actor and a passionate smoker, and one of those two passions gave him terminal lung cancer. I’ll let you decide which. By the way, that’s TWO main cast members from Babylon 5 gone (the other being Richard “Dr. Franklin” Biggs), and frankly, I’m not sure I even want to see a B5 movie anymore.

Don Knotts. Barney Fife. Ralph Furley. Two of sitcom’s most iconic characters. Knotts died yesterday from lung cancer. (Hey celebrities! Stop smoking!) My favorite Don Knotts moment comes at the end of the final episode of Three’s Company. He gives a big hug and a tearful goodbye to Jack, Janet, and Terry, and leaves their apartment for the last time. As he passes through the doorframe, he pauses for just a second, then goes on his way. It’s really quite touching, and it’s the last time we ever see the character. (And actually, it’s the last thing I remember Don Knotts ever doing.) For some reason, it’s one of those television images that’s burned into my brain, and it’s the first thing I thought of when I saw he died.

Coretta Scott King. The wife of assassinated civil rights activist Martin Luther King Jr and a noted community leader in her own right. I learned of her passing when President Bush paid tribute to her in the opening of his State of the Union address last month. As he spoke, I couldn’t help but think “Heh, I bet he has absolutely no idea who this woman was. Go Prompter Boy!”

Darren McGavin. He actually died like a few hours ago. He played the dad in A Christmas Story. I mention this because I have a friend who has never seen this film, and I just can’t believe it. No, that friend is not Duke.

This is the teaser poster for Spider-Man 3. The Internet is very excited about it because it’s a picture of Spider-Man in his infamous BLACK COSTUME. For the uninitiated, back in the 1980’s, the comic book Spider-Man wore a sleek, stylish, BLACK COSTUME for a short time. The BLACK COSTUME turned out to be an alien lifeform, which eventually bonded with a street tough and became VENOM, one of the most beloved and BLACK Spider-Man villains of all time.

Well, comic book geeks are awash with ecstasy, because the image on this teaser poster is clearly Spider-Man in his BLACK COSTUME and what other interpretation could there possibly be? And since we see the BLACK COSTUME, right there on the poster, that means VENOM will be in the movie, and the mere IDEA of that is so AMAZING, why bother even making the movie at all? This poster is all I need. Right geeks? Right? BLACK COSTUME! YEAH!

Hey, before you go, let me ask you a question.

Am I an idiot? I think I’m a idiot.

Because to me, that looks like a black-and-white picture of the the regular Spider-Man costume. Hey, maybe, just maybe, the poster is merely…artistic? Stylistically different from other posters? Not in color? They still make black-and-white film, you know. Not convinced? Okay. Try this: for you to look at that teaser poster and cry out “Hey, it’s Spider-Man’s BLACK COSTUME” makes about as much sense as me showing you this picture:

and saying “Hey, look at this picture of African-American Game Show Host Alex Trebek! He sure is an African-American, isn’t he?” and you responding “Man, Alex Trebek is undoubtedly African-American! Kwanzaa is his favorite holiday! No doubt about it!”

Seriously, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. We have a new X-Men movie coming out in a few months, and we should all focused on tearing it to shreds. There will be plenty of time for Spider-Man 3 later. Priorities straight, people.