The Colonel T Show

My thanks to Elizabeth, who pointed out that the last letter of some lines in this blog is getting cut off in Internet Explorer. It looks fine in Firefox, which is what I compose and browse in. Back in the day, I was the king of IE / Netscape format-checking tenaciousness, and I guess I need to pick up my scepter and get back on the throne. I’ll be working on it over the long weekend, during the breaks from cooking turkey-kabobs.

To all of you who’ve asked, no, I didn’t purchase a Sony Playstation 3 or a Nintendo Wii this weekend. I’d like to offer a shout-out to my old friend Richard, who stood in line for 11.5 hours at a Wal-Mart in Streetsboro, OH for his Wii. And here’s another shout-out to Richard’s physician, who will undoubtedly make a fortune ridding Richard of whatever diseases he picked up while in line at the Streetsboro Wal-Mart.

Perhaps it’s for the best that I didn’t buy a new console, not only because I have no fewer than six unopened PS2 and GameCube games on my shelf, but also because I’m newly destitute. We took Molly and Maddy to a professional photographer yesterday to have their first “real” pictures taken. Have you ever taken twins to a professional photographer? Do you know how much it costs? Think of a number…a really big number. Multiply it by another really big number. Add some zeroes on the end. Put a dollar sign in front. Whatever number you’re thinking of, it’s too low.

The pictures, admittedly, are gorgeous, and if you’re reading this and I’ve met you, chances are you’ll be receiving copies in the mail. Unfortunately, Molly fell over and bonked her head during the “tasteful nudes” portion of the shoot, and she was pretty much done at that point. Maddy however, vogued like a supermodel, which was simultaneously adorable and terrifying.

What else, what else…on Friday night I received a call from my old friend Jon, who was going to be in town Saturday for, um, something. I never did ask him why he was in town. Anyway, since I happened to be downtown anyway (a rare weekend workday) I met him, his wife Megan, and many of her siblings/siblings-in-law at an old time, classic Chicago sports pub. You’ve probably not heard of it — it’s called the “ESPNZone.” Anyway, we drank beer and watched the Ohio State game. I also learned something about Jon and Megan’s relationship which made me extremely jealous — they play video role-playing games TOGETHER. Holy moly, that’s magnificent. To compare, this is every conversation about video games I’ve had with Elizabeth for the last ten years:

ELIZABETH: Hey, what game are you playing?

TIM: It’s ca—

ELIZABETH: It looks stupid.

I still love her though. (Note: Elizabeth reads my blog now.)

Finally, the Cleveland Browns lost yesterday, at home, to the Pittsburgh Steelers. For like the 90th year in a row. I wish I had something interesting to say about that, but I just can’t summon the words or the will. Maybe next year! Yeah! Yeah.

I had such hopes for ABC’s new Shat-centric prime time game show, Show Me the Money. Indeed, I blogged those hopes here.

Well, it premiered last night, and I couldn’t make it through 30 minutes. It’s dreadful. More than dreadful. It’s embarrassing.

Shattered dreams. Shattered, Shatnered dreams.

The problem isn’t Bill Shatner, not by a long shot. (Although there was a painfully awkward moment when he offered props to a flamboyantly gay contestant and told him how much he respected his bravery. Weird.)

No, the problem is that the game mechanics of Show Me the Money are bloody awful. Truly it is most ill-conceived game show I’ve ever seen. And I watched The Chair.

(FYI, if you are questioning my qualifications for commenting on the quality of game shows, be aware that my first words were “Bob Barker.”)

Let me set up the premise: 12 beautiful models/dancers each hold a scroll emblazoned with a dollar amount, ranging from $20,000 to $250,000. A 13th model/dancer holds a “Killer” scroll which, according to Bill, you MUST. NOT. PICK. The scrolls are rolled up and randomized so you don’t know which girl is holding which amount.

The contestant has to answer a pop culture question (refreshingly not multiple choice, but that’s ALL that’s refreshing). Then he picks a model, who opens her scroll, revealing its amount. If the contestant answers the question correctly, his “bank” is increased by the amount on that model’s scroll. If he’s wrong, his “bank” is decreased by the amount on the scroll.

The contestant continues answering questions and opening scrolls until he answers six questions correctly, or six questions incorrectly. At that point, the contestant goes home with whatever’s in his bank.

If the contestant picks the “Killer” scroll, then the game stops immediately and he must answer ONE. LAST. QUESTION. If the contestant misses the Killer Question, he immediately loses all his money and the game is over. If he answers it correctly, the game continues as before.

And that’s it.

I didn’t think it was possible to create a more mind-numbingly inane game than Deal or No Deal, a show that requires no skill or knowledge or intelligence of ANY kind, and yet…here it is.

If you consider the rules…and watched the show…the primary problem plaguing Show Me the Money quickly becomes apparent:

It’s a game show without a game.

Is that not the ultimate crime? Let’s break this down:

1) The show creates absolutely no drama whatsoever. The critical element of the popular modern game show (Deal or No Deal, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, etc.) is that at some point the contestant is forced to make a decision to put all his money on the line. Answer the question or don’t. Open the case or don’t. The drama comes from the contestant having to make a choice. As viewers, we become emotionally involved, debating that decision with our family and friends.

On Show Me the Money, a contestant chooses NOTHING. He MUST continue playing until correctly answers six questions or misses six questions. He’s just going through the motions – the contestant can’t stop, and either he’s going to know the answer or not, so where’s the drama? The tension? There’s no debate to be had in the living room! How do WE participate?

Case in point: The aforementioned flamboyantly gay contestant had banked $500,000 by the time he reached his final question. It was a ridiculously easy pop culture question (shouldn’t the last question be the hardest one??) which he clearly answered correctly. The scroll contained $20,000. Well at that point, who cares if he loses $20,000? What’s the difference between $500,000 and $480,000?

So on the first question he won $220,000, and on the last question – the riveting climax – he won an additional $20,000.

Wheeeeeeeeee. What a build-up!

2) Imagine if you played Candy Land, and one of the cards read “You Lose, Stop Playing Now.” That would make for a satisfying experience, wouldn’t it?

The “Killer” scroll/question is basically an automatic lose card. It’s way too arbitrary. If a contestant is going to be knocked out of the game, it should be because the contestant CHOSE to risk something.

Last night, the second contestant, a perfectly pleasant US Marine, was up to about $400,000 when he picked the Model with the Killer scroll. He got the question wrong. Bam. He was done. All Bill Shatner could say was “Um, well, thanks for serving your country. Sorry about that.”

The whole thing is ludicrous. Why not double the number of models, and as a contestant gets further into the game, more and more money scrolls get replaced with Killer scrolls. Choosing a model becomes walking a minefield. Give the contestant the CHOICE of continuing or not, knowing that the more he plays, the more likely he is to hit a Killer scroll.

Or if you aren’t going to give him a choice, then at least give the guy a reward for getting the question right – double his bank or something. Make it mean SOMETHING.

3) The show moves at a glacial pace. Think Deal or No Deal moves slowly? On Show Me the Money, each time the contestant is presented with a question, he has the option of passing it. He can do this twice for each question, and then he must answer the third.

So first we have to listen to the contestant drone on about how he doesn’t know the name of Russell Crowe’s character in A Beautiful Mind, and then whine about how he doesn’t know who appeared nude on Broadway four years ago, and then he finally gets to the question he’s actually going to answer. It can take up to ten minutes to get through just one question. I’d rather watch two American Idol results shows than listen to that. It’s unbearable.

4) Dollar amounts are too similar. There’s $250,000, $220,000, $190,000, and on down. There’s no “uber” scroll to get excited about. The show needs a “massive” amount like a $500,000 scroll to add to the excitement.

5) The models hate their jobs. I know this isn’t technically part of the game, but if you look closely at the models/dancers, they seem miserable. Compare them to the Deal or No Deal ladies, who are inexplicably euphoric to have a job opening briefcases at Howie Mandel’s command. Why are the Show Me the Money dancers so angry?

Show Me the Money is unsalvageable. Seriously. Get out of there, Shatner! Get out now! We’ll still love you, and we’ll still tune into Boston Legal every Tuesday night. We’ll chalk it up to the Mad Cow Disease.

Legendary screen actor, Academy Award Winner, and extraordinary tough-guy Jack Palance died today at his home in Montecito, California of natural causes. He was 87.

Jack Palance was a hero of mine. He’s probably best known these days for doing one-armed push-ups at the Academy Awards, but I’ve long admired his work in movies like Shane, City Slickers, Batman, and others. I remember watching him every Sunday night on television’s Ripley’s Believe It or Not, ending each segment with his chilling and iconic “Believe it…or not.”

Most of all, he was just so darned…leathery. I’m struggling to think of a tougher, grittier, manlier guy than Jack Palance. He will be sorely missed.

Tonight, I’d like to pay tribute to Jack by performing one of his lesser known roles. It’s one of the first parts I saw him play, and it’s still one of my favorites. In 1979, Jack guest-starred in a classic “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century” two-parter called “Planet of the Slave Girls.” He played the evil Sorcerer Kaleel, a slave trader and warlord who amasses a fleet to annhilate the Earth Defense Force.

Why is Kaleel so angry? Well, it seems that in his early 20’s, Kaleel was severely burned in a fire. Despite having no visible scarring or any lasting physical damage whatsoever, Kaleel has carried this resentment into his sixties, and he’s always threating to burn all his enemies to ashes. (Apparently there’s no therapy in the 25th century.) Palance chews up all the scenery and plays a fantastic, fanatical villain. Of course.

Since I couldn’t find a clip from the episode to show you, I thought I’d perform a dramatic interpretation of Jack Palance as Kaleel, threatening the life of the captured Buck Rogers. And since I’m feeling particularly industrious tonight, I’ve added a visual component to the performance.

With that, I present the very first Colonel T Show YouTube Presentation, entitled “Au Revoir, Jack.”

Just a quick announcement: I’m at work right now, drinking wine at my desk.

Sometimes I just feel like bragging.

Obviously I did some work on the site tonight…Is good? Is bad? I still have much to do, but it’s a start. Again.

Also, despite a day-long campaign to wish it away, it seems Madeline’s first tooth is coming in. I felt it myself. I didn’t want to believe it, but the proof is in the…well, it’s protruding from her bottom gum.

Stop growing up, you babies.

1) I despise the layout and color scheme of this blog. Expect a change shortly.

2) I’m not sure I’m going to post my Kansas City airport stories…I get angry every time I work on them. Angry like John Lithgow if you don’t eat the soup he brings you.

On November 14th, ABC television will premiere Show Me the Money, a new prime time game show starring William Shatner. It goes without saying I’ll watch every episode. Most intriguing is this excerpt from ABC.com’s description of the show:

Adding to the variety aspect of the show are thirteen dazzling Million Dollar Dancers ready to break into any style of dance, while audacious master of ceremonies William Shatner spontaneously boogies with the beauties on stage.

The phrase “William Shatner spontaneously boogies” is the single most powerful and persuasive selling point in the rich history of selling points. There’s no question: this will be the greatest show ever.

I received an email yesterday from the “Allstate Arena Insider,” a mailing list for concert-goers. Frequently, they’ll send ticket pre-sale notifications for concerts and events. Frequently, I delete them immediately.

I couldn’t delete this particular email, though, because this is too good to be true:

Dancing with the Stars Tickets

You love the TV show, now see your favorite stars come to a stage near you in the touring version of “Dancing With the Stars”! Twelve of your favorite stars are scheduled to take to the stage including: Cheryl Burke, Max Chmerkovskiy, Ashly DelGrosso, Willa Ford, Harry Hamlin, Kym Johnson, Drew Lachey, Joey Lawrence, Joey McIntyre, Lisa Rinna, Edyta Sliwinska, and Louis van Amstel! Buy your Dancing With the Stars tickets now!

Nearly 40 cities are going to be blessed with this traveling road-”show”, including my own Chicago. Folks, watching on television for free is one thing, but how desperate must you be for entertainment that you would spend real American money, and would drive X number of miles to watch Harry Hamlin ballroom dance?

I asked this very question of Elizabeth last night:

ME: Elizabeth, how much would you pay for a ticket to the Dancing with the Stars world tour?

ELIZABETH: I wouldn’t.

ME: Harry Hamlin’s going to be there. I’ve seen the ad. NOW how much would you pay?

ELIZABETH: Still nothing.

ME: Okay. Let’s say the tickets were free, and I had a limo take you to and from the show. Would you go?

ELIZABETH: There is nothing you can say or offer that will make this sound appealing.

ME: What if Harry Hamlin came over to our house and performed for us in the living room? You wouldn’t have to say a word or even acknowledge him in any way. I’d leave the front door unlocked so he could just walk in, dance, and walk out. Five minutes max. How about that?

ELIZABETH: Could I drink?

ME: Yeah, absolutely.

ELIZABETH: Mmmm…still no.

Poor Harry Hamlin. Well, bless his heart — it’s not like anyone was offering him “Clash of the Titans 2: Snap Kraken Pop” or anything.

If any of you DO buy a ticket to one of these shows, we’d love to hear about it. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone?