The Colonel T Show

Game: Guitar Hero II

System: PlayStation 2 (2006)

Genre: Rock Star Simulation

Why I Bought It In The First Place: The first Guitar Hero is among my favorites games ever.

Assorted musings: I hate to use the word “transcendent” in a critique, because it’s an overused and kind of meaningless word. Unfortunately, it’s the only word I can think of to describe the Guitar Hero experience. It’s not a video game. It’s a mechanism by which I cast off the mortal shackles of everyday life and become the rock star I only dreamed of being. Guitar Hero introduced me to an emotional state that I never knew existed, and cannot be brought on by any other source. It is the Alpha. It is the Omega.

More Assorted Musings: The song selection in Guitar Hero II is weaker that that of the first game. Favorite songs in this one: “Carry On My Wayward Son” (AKA the song from the end credits of “Anchorman”), “Jessica,” and “Freebird”. Still no Huey Lewis songs.

Even More Assorted Musings: Last weekend we had some family visiting, and after Molly and Maddy fell asleep, my 10-year-old cousin approached me and said “Now that the babies are in bed, it’s time to bring out the axe!” Guitar Hero party goodness ensued.

Will I Ever Play This Game Again? Are you kidding? I’m going to play it tonight.

Describe It In Five Words Or Less: “More Than a Feeling”-less

Score: 9 out of 10

Some years ago, my mom made me a custom “Siskel and Ebert” birthday cake.

Such a statement would be much more effective with a photograph, and I do have one boxed away somewhere, but for now you’ll just have to trust me.

Growing up, every Sunday night during the summer I’d watch Siskel and Ebert. It was as much a part of my childhood as anything else. I stopped watching when I went to college, either because the show didn’t air in Cincinnati, or because I spent most of my time fending off the endless advances of coeds. I started right back up again after I graduated.

Last Thursday, 20 years of Siskel and Ebert / Ebert and Roeper reviews were posted online at http://bventertainment.go.com/tv/buenavista/ebertandroeper/. I’ve already killed hours there, swimming in the nostalgia of Siskelia and Ebertdom.

Some notable reviews: Jaws: The Revenge, Battlefield: Earth, and Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; notable not because they all have colons in the title, but rather because they are hilarious reviews of horrible movies. Also worth watching: the review of Elizabeth’s favorite movie You’ve Got Mail, which was one of Gene Siskel’s last reviews before his death in 1999. It’s a little morbid to watch, as he’s clearly suffering, but it’s a tribute to his passion that he insisted on doing the show right up until the end.

And now, with Roger Ebert still recovering from throat surgery and indefinitely away from the show, The Balcony Archive is the only way to get my fix. While Roeper is certainly watchable, nothing compares to the original duo.

As I walked through your hallowed gates last evening, a wave of history and nostalgia washed over me. ‘Twas like bathing in a 100 years of baseball lore. I inhaled deeply, and along with the smell of hot dogs and cracker jacks came the smell of Pete Alexander, Frank Chance, and Mordecai Brown. I don’t know who any of those people are, but boy, did they smell good.

I have only one complaint, and really it’s just a minor one at that. Since 1914, when you first opened your Friendly Confines to the world, humanity has evolved, physically. We’re not all 5-foot-3 anymore. Indeed, I’m a 220-pound, 6-foot-5 slab of man, and I DON’T FIT IN YOUR PUNY LITTLE SEATS!

GROWL!

Fortunately, I was able to console myself with a $6.00 cup of warm beer. Thanks Wrigley Field. Keep on keepin’ on.

Love and bacon,
Colonel T