The Colonel T Show

I’m leaving for New York City in less than eight hours. Hopefully I’ll be able to post updates from the hotel at night, but because I live to party, and party to live, I’m not promising anything. I return to Chicago on Friday.

Postscript: In the previous paragraph, “New York City” is not a codename for “Grand Theft Auto 4″ — I’m actually flying on an actual airplane to the actual New York City. Statue of Liberty, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, Brooklyn Bridge…the streets are paved with diamonds there, I hear.

Computers! They’re the best. I used to play a lot of games on them. Wing Commander IV: The Price of Freedom was one such game. Upon its release in 1994 it was the most expensive game ever made, at a budget of 12 million dollars. What did the development team spend all that money on? I’ll tell you:

The single greatest collection of acting talent in history.

A couple weeks ago, I was taken by a wave of nostalgia — nostalgia for mid-nineties full-motion video sequences. Since then, I’ve watched nearly three hours of movies from Wing Commander IV, and what an emotional journey it’s been. I’d like to share with you some of the highlights of that journey, in words and pictures.

Let’s not pull any punches — I’m coming out swinging. Behold this assembly of three thespians, in the purest, truest sense of the word. I’ve read that after this scene was shot, Hollywood considered shutting down forever. Why? I think it’s obvious:

For seven seasons, John Spencer played Leo McGarrity on The West Wing, and most people will probably remember him best for that role. Not me. I’ll remember him best as the guy who offered Mark Hamill some nuts in the space lounge:

Try this one on for size, cowboy. Francois Chou played the poker-lovin’ rogue pilot “Vagabond” in both Wing Commander 3 AND Wing Commander IV. You know him best as “Dude from the Hatch Video” on Lost:

Suddenly I’m too lazy to grab any more screenshots, but just imagine that in addition to the powerhouse performances above, Wing Commander IV featured even MORE great actors, including:

Malcom McDowell
John Rhys-Davies
Dude Who Played “Valtane” in Star Trek VI
Guy Who Played the Cavalier Star Fury Pilot in the Second Season of Babylon 5

Talent, people. THIS is talent. You think you know talent? You don’t. Not until you’ve watched three hours of full motion video from Wing Commander IV. Want a little taste? Here’s the trailer. Once you’ve nibbled on that, you’ll want the whole meal.

When last I visited Wrigley Field, my legs were crushed between two seats; seats designed for an era when the average American man stood 4-feet-11-inches tall. Yesterday, on a team / alcohol tolerance building exercise, I returned to the Friendly Confines, worried I’d be crippled yet again. Not so, this time, because apparently when your view looks like this…

…you are given about two extra feet of leg room. It was comparatively luxurious. My parents and in-town-from-L.A.brother saw me on TV, and apparently I looked amazing — like a taller Bruce Boxleitner.

I’m still recovering from the alcohol fatigue (it’s tough being elderly) and I’m drained of creative energy (see the lazy Bruce Boxleitner reference in the last paragraph) so I’m going to publish this post and come back fresh tomorrow.

Meanwhile, here’s a little something for the ladies:

This is Daniel Cook:

He’s the star of a children’s series called, pointedly, “This is Daniel Cook”. Each episode (at seven minutes long they are more like “vignettes”) features Daniel on an exciting adventure, such as learning how paper is made, or having his teeth cleaned. These are gripping, nail-biting affairs. It airs after The Wiggles on the Disney Channel, and our DVR typically only picks up the first 90 seconds. That’s all my daughters have seen of it, and believe me, that’s plenty.

Included in the first 90 seconds are the opening credits, which features li’l Daniel prancing about spastically in various costumes and uniforms. Also, in one shot he fondles a pig. The lyrics to the theme song go like this:

This is Daniel Cook
On a bike, in a plane
On a farm, playing games.
With many places
And friendly faces
We’ll have lots of fuuuuuuun,
With Daniel Cook!

I couldn’t help but teach Maddy and Molly an alternate version, which goes like this:

This is Daniel Cook
He’s a little bit slow
He goes to a special school
Loving, loving,
Caring, loving,
He can’t count to ten,
That Daniel Cook!

I searched for an online video for you to sing along to, and found something even better — the Spanish version! Surely the best part is the text that appears at the end. Spaniards are hilarious, what with their other languages and word choices. Enjoy:

Hey billionaire guy who founded Facebook! Nice work becoming a billionaire! Checked out your site tonight for the very first time. Got an idea for you: How about spending, say, ten grand, on improving your search engine? Here’s one feature you can add: “Making It Work”. I won’t even charge you a consultation fee, because that’s the kind of beard I am.

Weekend’s here, gang! See you next week.

This is a written transcript of the podcast my beard recorded while I was sleeping. Many listeners enjoy performing my beard’s podcasts for their family and friends, in the comfort of their home, office, or place of worship.

Approximate running time (for North American English speakers): 3m46s.
Approximate running time (for European English speakers): 3m51s.
Approximate running time (for all other speakers): 4m02s.

“Hello and welcome to The Podcast My Beard Recorded While I Was Sleeping for April 17, 2008.

I enjoy Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. It airs at 10:00 PM Tuesday evenings on the NBC television network. In my home, however, we call it Law and Order: Sexy Force.

In related NBC television news, network executives announced that February’s highly rated Knight Rider movie will return as a weekly television series this fall. Let’s revisit a key moment from that movie, the long-awaited meeting between Michael Knight, as portrayed by David Hasselhoff, and his character’s son, Mike Traceur, as portrayed by…by…by… as portrayed in the movie.

For this reenactment, I will be performing both characters. Here is the voice I’ll be using for Michael Knight:

‘I’m Michael Knight.’

And here’s my voice for Mike Traceur:

‘Hello, I’m Mike Traceur.’

And now, the scene:

‘I’m Michael Knight. I’m your father.’

‘I know.’

‘One man can make a difference.’

‘I see.’

‘Gotta go.’

And scene. Knight Rider, the series, premieres this fall on NBC.

Breaking news now – two people are critically injured after an elephant trips and falls on them. We have team coverage, starting with my soul patch. Soul patch, tell us, where did this elephant come from, and how did it trip?

Soul patch?

Soul patch?

Some technical problems, we’ll see if we can get my soul patch on the line. No? No, it seems we’ve lost him.

That’ll do it for this week’s podcast. I’d like to thank the NBC television network, and the zoo. Good night, everybody.”

For a written transcript of this transcript, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope.

One night, William Shatner and Lindsay Lohan stopped by the Olive Garden for a quick bite. They’d just gotten out of a 9:00 PM Broadway showing of Jersey Boys. William’s afternoon horse exhibition ran long, and they hadn’t had time for dinner before the show.

“I sure could use some cocaine,” Lindsay said.

William did a double take. “What?”

“Cocaine. You know, nose candy? Blow? Crank? The white stuff? Alaskan marching powder? The Bob Downey Loco–”

“I know what cocaine is.” William was utterly dumbfounded. “But why would you ever use it? It’ll kill you, eventually.”

Lindsay became defiant. “Look. It’s Tuesday. In the Lohanverse, that’s cokey-treat day. If you’re going to get all paternal on me, I’ll get my veal parm from the to-go window, and take a cab home.”

William shook his head and waved his arms in protest. “No, no, I’m just here for the pasta and the conversation. What you do with your body is your business.”

“Good. Now let’s get a table.”

Tuesday nights at the Manhattan Olive Garden were fairly slow. While a handful of couples and families were scattered about the dining area, the restaurant was mostly empty. As the maitre’d led Lindsay and William to their table, none of the patrons even gave the duo a second look. They were too absorbed in their salads, breadsticks, and conversations to notice two of America’s hottest young superstars were just a few feet away. Such is the power of the Olive Garden and the Tour of Italy.

William ordered a bottle of Châteaunuf-du-Pape and two glasses, and the maitre’d ran off. While William buried his head in the menu, Lindsay picked up the butter knife and ran its edge along her wrist. Nothing happened. She tried again. Still nothing. She muttered an expletive under her breath and started making furious hacking motions with the knife. Try as she might, she couldn’t put so much as a scratch into her arm.

“These knives suck,” Lindsay complained, as she tossed the knife back on the table. William didn’t seem to notice. “Bill? Are you paying attention to me? BILL!”

Startled, William jumped in his seat and his knees crashed into the underside of the table. “Ow!” he said. “What is it?”

Lindsay’s expression turned very serious. “Never mind,” she said. “There’s something I want to ask you.” Her eyes burned with a fierce determination that William had never seen before.

“What is it?”

She took a deep breath before continuing. “What if…and this is kind of out there so just work with me here…what if we were…you know, one person?”

William just stared.

“Here, I made this on the computer to help you visualize.” She dumped the contents of her purse onto the table. About 30 prescription bottles dropped out and rolled off in all directions, along with a pouch of strawberry Big League Chew, and a balled up sheet of computer paper. She flattened out the paper as best she could, and handed the wrinkled sheet to William.

This is what he saw:

“My God, Lindsay, this is…this is…”

A smug smile of satisfaction spread across Lindsay’s lips. “Pretty mind-blowing, huh?”

Before William could answer, the maitre’d came with the wine. She set the glasses on the table and began to pour.

“I think we’re going to need something stronger,” William told her. He looked over at Lindsay. “Scotch?”

“Scotch,” she agreed, as she downed a bottle of Oxycontin pills.

“Sure thing,” the maitre’d said. She made a note on her order pad. “What’s the occasion? You two look giddy as schoolgirls.”

Simultaneously, they sang.

“Lohatner! Lohatner! Looooooooooohatner!”

The maitre’d fainted.

Lindsay and William were too engrossed in their singing to notice.

Last month, my daughters Molly and Madeline celebrated their second birthday. Technically they are no longer “babies”. They have evolved into “ladies”…ladies who have become fiercely independent.

For example, last month, Maddy moved out:

Molly put her hand in this car and has refused to remove it for three weeks:

Here’s Maddy calling us from her new condo in Vermont:

Molly charged me $150 to take this picture:

Maddy is dating a soccer ball:

Molly, modeling her new big wheel ($300 for this shot — lady is shrewd):

To wrap up, I’d like to show you the ladies’ birthday cakes. Built from scratch by my mom, these cakes were works of art and delicious. I ate Elmo’s eye! I blinded him! By eating his EYE:

Oh, here’s a leftover Easter shot, featuring the ladies and their Papa Jeffman:

I’m in a dystopian state of mind. All of my recent media consumption has revolved around human misery and oppression.

On the movie front, I watched Children of Men one night, and V for Vendetta the next. Both films feature Britain as society’s last civilized nation, in a World Gone Mad from war and pestilence. Both films feature thinly veiled indictments of the United States’ invasion of Iraq, where “thinly veiled” translates to “completely transparent”. Both films do not feature Michael Caine as a friendly hermit who enjoys ganja and recreational suicide. One film does though, Children of Men, and as such it is superior.

On the game front, I finished Bioshock, which is a masterpiece. In it, a billionaire industrialist builds a underwater City of Dreams called Rapture, where civilization’s greatest minds will live out their days in enlightened harmony. The player crash lands in the ocean just above the city, and travels down to it via bathysphere to discover Rapture is far from a utopia, indeed, it is a dystopia. Bioshock is a cautionary tale for budding objectivist megalomaniacs. If you are a budding objectivist megalomaniac, you owe it to yourself to give Bioshock a spin.

On the book front, I read Lucifer’s Hammer by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. Published in the late seventies, it tells the tale of a rogue comet that crashes into the Pacific, ending civilization as we know it. Those unlucky enough to survive the floods, earthquakes, plagues, and famines must somehow rebuild a new society from the ashes of the old. Two major factions form in Los Angeles’ San Joaquin Valley, where most of the book’s action takes place. Let me describe these factions for you, and this is where it gets complicated. I hope I’m able to make this comprehensible because it’s awfully complex. The two factions are:

1) White People: Former Senators, Engineers, Scientists, Farmers, Astronauts and Astronomers, all of whom are white, by the way, rebuild greenhouses and dams and fortified strongholds to survive the coming winter and in doing so, forge the beginnings of a new America, filled with white people.

2) Black People: All the black people in Los Angeles become cannibals.

So, let’s review: According to Lucifer’s Hammer, if you are white and therefore skilled, you’re good to go when the big rock slams into Earth. If you are black, you’re going to be dining on your neighbor(s).

I guess Deep Impact had it wrong.

Yep, Lucifer’s Hammer is dripping in racism sauce, and of the 30 or so reviews I’ve read, well over half of them agree with me. It’s pretty hard to deny, and pretty disgusting too. I’ve have no real point to make beyond this. Just warning you that if you, too, enter a dystopian phase, Arthur C. Clarke’s “The Hammer of God” is a far superior and more racially tolerant book about a planet-killing comet with the word “Hammer” in the title.

(To be fair, I’ve heard Pournelle guest on the This Week In Tech podcast several times, and he’s never suggested black people should eat other, so maybe Lucifer’s Hammer was an aberration. It’s no excuse, though.)

I think writing this entry has officially ended my dystopian phase. Time to move on to something else: Ponies!